October 09, 2006

Testify!

When we last left the girls on America's Next Top Model, they were sad to see Megan go home, because she was so nice. Also I should note that she was a lesbian, which makes it even a greater tragedy. But it's time to move on!

Caridee gets the first interview of the show, which is worrisome, as it's usually the edit of the booted. In fact, she gets much camera time. This can't be good!

First up we're reminded that Monique is an insufferable person to live with. In particular, she hates Melrose, and the feeling is entirely mutual. And despite the fact that Melrose can bug a bit, I'm on her side in this debate. Most of the arguements we see represents Melrose as calmly making rational arguements, while Monique is just crazy. And not in a good way.

The girls meet Ms. J outside, and he is balanced on a tightrope while wearing a tutu. In fact, I think he is trying to wear as much female clothing as possible this season, leading into his eventual transformation into the poor man's RuPaul. But I digress! To teach the girls balance this week, they will each navigate this tightrope. For most of the way, they have these arm bands connected to a wire above their heads, so there will be no giant pole to carry. Ms. J introduces their trainers, who are "Stunt Professionals" which is good to know, because my first guess was "Circus Folk."

Most of the girls handle this pretty well. I'd give you a play-by-play, but there's a reason the balance beam isn't the most popular event to watch in women's gymnastics, m'kay?

Back at the house, the drama continues. Monique has devolved into Being a Bitch In Ways That Make No Sense, as she announces to Eugena that she's going to wipe her underwear all over Melrose's comforter. And she does just that. While Melrose is in bed. Several of the girls wake up and are basically like, "Bitch is crazy, and...seriously, what was that?" Let's just say that Monique has a long way to go before she can attain the higher echelon of memorable bitches like our beloved Jade.

The girls once again meet with Ms. J, this time to practice walking in heels on a broken cobblestone walkway. They each don some dresses, and Carnivale masks, but the trick is the masks make them nearly blind. Think of it as Extreme Runway Walking. Coming soon to the X Games! They will be helped with some coaching from Cycle 5 contestant Bre, who apparently was an awesome walker or something. Anyway, there is much tripping and stumbling. Only AJ and Jaeda really handle it well, and I suspect it is because they are both tall. Don't ask me why, I just suspect physics are somehow involved.

Anyway, the winner is AJ, and she gets to pick two friends to join her in the prize - a quick trip to Austin, where they will walk in a benefit fasion show being put on by...Dennis Quaid. Yeah, it sounded odd to me as well. But he's hot, so who cares? Despite the fact that Brooke is from Texas (but not Austin, mind you), AJ chooses to take CariDee and Megg.

The trio heads to Austin, where they actually get to meet Dennis Quaid (drool), and they are actually very appropriate in their level of being star-struck. They walk in the show, and say it was a great time. It should be noted that CariDee walks in a way that is so bizarre, I couldn't recreate it if I tried. And I'm a trained dancer, mind you.

Then it's time for the segment we like to call "Monique Is Sick; Oh The Schadenfreude!" Monique is tired, she has hot flashes, woe is her. Eugena eventually convinces her to go to the hospital (although I should mention that Brooke very kindly offered to get Monique anything, but was rejected). Monique is diagnosed with dehydration (which I don't get - you're just modeling - drink water, bitch). Oh, her life is so hard.

The next day it's time for the shoot, and Monique decides to go ahead and go, even though she feels awful. The Austin girls return and meet them all at some outdoor location. It is revealed that they will be doing a runway show for one of the show's stylists who is also a designer. But the catch - the runway is in water! And not one big piece - it's several pieces, so each block can potentially shift a bit. This is event #2 in Extreme Runway Walking! At the end of the runway, they will have their photo taken. They only get two shots at it, so they need to nail it. And to ratchet up the pressure, there will be an audience.

Then Monique talks to Jay. He warns her that skipping the shoot can really hurt her chances, but he understands if she needs to go home and rest. She opts to go home. BAM! This could be good news, I hope.

The girls get ready, and we get a peek at the looks. It's all very goth, and I think a bit inspired by S&M fetish wear, because there's several outfits that have the girls bound at the hands. The make-up is all black eye shadow to add to the goth-iness. And the guests coming to watch look like they stepped out of The Corpse Bride. On with the show!

Most of the girls handle the runway well, even if their walking is a bit stilted. Eugena has the most trouble. AJ and Jaeda continue to show they are the queens of balance, storming the runway in a most fierce manner. On her second time out, Eugena compeletely slips, and one leg goes into the drink. And she cuts her leg. Well think of it this way - blood probably enhances "the look." Also of note - CariDee's boob totally pops out. Rather than try and cover it, she just winks in a cartoonish way to the camera while the offending body part gets pixilated. Slut!

Back at the house, Monique worries about her chances after skipping the shoot. Eugena is the only other person concerned. After all, if Monique leaves, she has to step up as #1 bitch!

Judging panel! There are prizes, there are judges. Guest judge is the designer from the shoot, and I'm sorry I don't recall his name. Sadly, we have the return of the judging challenge. This week, the girls will attempt to do their signature walks while balancing a bowl of fruit on their heads.

Once again, who rocks the challenge? AJ and Jaeda. The rest all have enormous amounts of trouble. Michelle walks in the most awkward manner imaginable. Brooke shines a bit, because as soon as her fruit falls, she just keeps on walking confidently, and says to the judges, "It's all about attitude!" She is so totally the class president, I'll bet. Time to judge!

AJ struck a very confident pose, still showing off her red dress well. It's very Linda Evangelista.

Amanda has her hands bound, and strikes a pose that makes her look like a goth bride. It's good and strong.

Anchal has an outfit that I think is hard to show off, but she is helped in that the shape hides the fact that her pose is weak.

Brooke is actually quite amazing. She looks super confident, and her hair is flowing. As Tyra says, "You don't get a wind machine - you MAKE your wind." I try very hard not to make a "breaking wind" joke.

CariDee looks like a goon. A goon making a fembot pose.

Eugena once again looks lifeless and like, "Why am I here?" Lame!

Jaeda's look is also bound in this interesting way that is like she just escaped from a straightjacket. Her pose is really strong, and uses her masculine features to her advantage. She's come a long way from the bottom 2!

Megg looks like a broken doll, and puffs out her bottom lip in a most unattractive way.

Melrose? Nailed it. She is caught in mid-turn as her diaphanous peach dress swirls, giving a fierce look to the camera. Almost like a jilted bride who is pissed and gets caught by the wedding photographer. Seriously, it's awesome.

And lastly we have Michelle who strikes a very professional model pose, showing off her faux fur outfit over pantsuit in an extremely flattering way. Women across America will be dying to buy this look.

Of course Monique has to defend the fact that she skipped the shoot. She says, "I am Top Model material." Tyra responds, "This industry does not care if you are sick. They don’t care if you are tired. We’re being hard because this is the real world." Burn!

The judges deliberate. Despite her zaniness, they appear to like CariDee's character. They are most impressed by the queens of balance, but also fond of Melrose, Amanda and Michelle (although the twins are ripped on for bad runway walking). And then, in the most hilarious spot, they talk about how it just doesn't appear that Eugena wants to be there. Tyra starts this wacky gospel number about "She Don't Wanna Be Here." Ms. J joins in, and even Twiggy sings a few bars. It makes them all look ridiculous, but it was still quite funny!

11 girls (not beautiful again, ouch), 10 photos. And the first photo this week goes to...AJ! AJ struts up to get it, and Tyra tells her that is exactly why she was their top choice this week. Also safe are Jaeda, Brooke, Melrose, Anchal, Amanda, Michelle, Megg and...CariDee! Which means the editing has thrown me off, which is happy news.

Will Eugena and Monique step forward? Eugena, the judges wonder if you want to even be here. You thought you were better than all the Cycle 6 girls, but newsflash - you're NOT. Monique, you skipped a shoot. BAD idea. And the photo goes to...Eugena! I can't believe it! Ding dong, the bitch is gone! As Monique leaves (not hugging anyone, I might add), she laments that Melrose will probably have a party now that Monique is leaving. I hope so, because I'll bring the keg!

Next week - the girls actually DO hang out with circus folk!

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