April 13, 2006

Swirl girls

*WARNING - this post contains key information about this week's episode of America's Next Top Model!*

And now to shift to something completely different, it's this week's recap of Top Model.

We launch right into the house, where instead of mourning the spunky redhead, Brooke is pissed that Nnenna was laughing at her commercial. And other times, apparently. Not to mention the constant phone use. So Brooke tries to follow the Gina method of confrontation, and meekly bring it up to Nnenna. Who proceeds to start making a phone call and ignore her. Brooke full-on calls her a bitch, and now the house is divided! Jade stands by Nnenna, who could care less if Brooke is upset. The rest realize that indeed Nnenna is getting a bit big for her britches, and they try and console Brooke - who is upset that she let herself call someone "a name." What? Is she 9? You're 22, for pity's sake - at this point "bitch" should be part of your daily vocabulary! (Don't tell my mother I said that.)

Meanwhile, the girls do some camera interviews of self-criticism based on last week, and it's mostly just Leslie and Sara. So of course at this point I assume they will be the bottom two. This show uses the Giant ACME Anvil Method of foreshadowing. Someone get me a job as a reality TV "scriptwriter"!

But enough of the drama, it's onto this week's lesson - more runway training from Ms. J, who looks like he just rolled out of bed with a serious martini hangover. He gives them some instruction that is actually useful - like the most efficient way to remove a jacket on the runway, how to take off gloves in a sassy manner, the right way to carry a purse or bag. They all seem to have trouble with the jackets, but Joanie is fierce removing her gloves. (I can't believe I just typed that sentence - what has my life come to?)

Then we move into the bizarre, as the Aswirl Twins come in. Oh lord, how can I describe these two. They are like hefty older twin brothers of Seal, who got smacked hard with gay cooties. And did I mention they wear capes? CAPES, people. Anywho, their job is to instruct the girls on doing the turn and twirl at the end of the runway. The girls practice, and clearly none of them has ever had to do a pencil turn in a dance class, because they suck.

Next stop, the girls have their reward challenge. They will be doing a small church fashion show. For those unfamiliar, it was common in previous decades for prominently African-American churches and schools to do their own fashion shows, which were heavy on the flair and the twirl. This was primarily because the runways had no black models. I can tell you this is totally true, and my own high school had such a show every year.

So the girls all get wrapped up in swaddling clothes that make them look like a cross between Grace Jones in A View To A Kill and Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd. Sara and Brooke look like they just ate bad sauerkraut. Leslie still has the problem where she sticks her butt behind her like a spare tire, while pulling her chin in, so she looks like an uncomfortable duck. Meanwhile Joanie is fierce yet again, while Jade spins and spins the same way she did in her doomed commercial last week. But in this case the spinning is a good thing, and she wins, getting herself a $25,000 diamond ring. I proceed to vomit a little in my mouth.

Then it's right off to the photo shoot, and things get a little silly. First of all, the shoot will have an urban hip hop feel to it, so the girls are on a roof and will be sharing the camera with some krumpers. But this isn't the type of krumping that I saw in previews for Rize - this is the kind where the guys are made up like freakish clowns. Spooky! And what will the girls be modeling? Shoes. Fun! Except not - they will be modeling for Payless. What is freaking HILARIOUS is that Jay Manuel (a.k.a. the orange idiot) talks about it like it's so cool and hip and yet affordable. Are you kidding me? It's PAYLESS. Where shoes cost less than lunch downtown. The place where I bought shoes for about 30 years because I was brought up on them, and also I'm a little bit cheap. At least if this was for DSW I could have a little respect, but PAYLESS? Anyway - enough of that tirade.

So the girls are all made up like hip hop girls, and they dance around for the camera with the krumpers. Sara does OK, but she still screams "white girl." Danielle acts like she can't dance, but she totally can, and does well. Furonda is awesome again, which was a shocker. Joanie is fierce for the third time this week. Leslie looks smoking hot, but we don't see much of the shoes. Jade is a complete freak, and splashes herself with water, all Flashdance and whatnot. Jay thinks she's great, but we know he's an idiot, so whatever. Nnenna is cool, but in the sense of "not warm" vs. "awesome." Then Brooke comes out, and her hair is all ratted out like an afro, and she suddenly is kind of good. I think when she realizes that she's 22 and actually not unattractive, she could go places.

At judging panel, the girls are asked to first strut down using their "signature walk." (I'm amazed that there is a way that models have not yet figured out how to walk, but this is a different world they live in.) Then they each have to do a slow turn in place - like a mannequin on a lazy susan. They walk (mostly good) and turn (mostly bad). Then it's time for the photos.

Of note is that Leslie and Brooke both bordered on "porn star." Furonda really did do well, and Joanie showed fun personality. Danielle actually did not do so good, and I still think Jade's was bad. Nnenna looked dead from the neck up. Sarah was mostly good, but was a bit too mentally focused on her height. Leslie was hot, but again - who the hell noticed her shoes?

8 beautiful girls, 7 photos. Joanie is actually called first and told she was overall the best this week, and I completely agree. She's solidly become my favorite to win this. And with complete lack of surprise to the point it was predicted by Nostradamus, Leslie and Sara are in the final 2. For once the bottom 2 have the same problem - they both take great pictures, but have awkward runway styles. Ultimately they decide to keep Sara, feeling that if she can accept and embrace her statuesque form, she will go far. Leslie I am sad to see go. But I think she actually can and will have a career as a print model, because she really is that good.

Next week - Joanie's snaggletooth is fixed in a 12-hour dental surgery! No, seriously!

No comments: