Cry me a river

*CAUTION - this is a full recap of this week's episode of America's Next Top Model!*

I will be trying to get posts up soon about The Amazing Race and Top Chef. But this has been a mad, mad, mad, mad week. I at least wanted to put up this recap now before I forget, as a lot happened this week. So onto the "models"!

The tradition of the girls having no recollection of the previously departed continues. You just know they're going to go to the reunion and be all, "Leslie who? Were you on this show?"

At the house, things remain unchanged. Nnenna is still having long phone arguements with her boyfriend, John. Brooke still hates Nnenna. Jade is still a wacko. The other four girls are above and beyond all that.

So we move very quickly to this week's training session. At first the girls think they will be meeting with a real model agent, who will be evaulating the girls' portfolios. But as this show has a low budget, it's actually an actress, who will be pretending to be a really evil agent. The intrigue! Except not - this chick is not so much the good actress. Maybe she can get a part in the Caine Mutiny Court Martial on Broadway. (More on that in a future post.)

Anywho, she sizes up the girls and points out the obvious flaws, as well as those that don't exist (like she says Nnenna has a bit of a belly, which is totally untrue). They all handle it fine, but apparently Jade is the coolest cucumber, so she wins the challenge AGAIN. (Oh, and the "actress" reveals the ruse, and the girls are not so much surprised.) Jade gets to pick a friend to share her prize, which will be waiting back at the house. She picks Nnenna.

And at the house, there are two giant presents, labeled for Jade and Nnenna. Inside are their "loved ones," like you might see on Survivor. Jade gets her mother, and immediately breaks down crying. Nnenna gets her boyfriend John, and she is a bit disappointed. Which...no kidding, I mean are they even a couple now? You know they just brought him on for the drama.

Jade talks to her consoling mom, whom we don't hear a single word from for some reason. But we do learn that she's basically a Reiki master, so she does some energy cleansing for Jade. They talk some more, Jade gets emotional some more. It almost makes Jade look human. ALMOST. Meanwhile, Nnenna and John have this weird banter, and she tries to gloss over the situation where she kissed the male model. As much as he sucks, John is bright enough to not buy that load of B.S.




















This week the girls have two photo shoots. Yay! They're my favorite part. This first one has them each dressed up like a type of doll, from ventroliquist dummy to baby doll. Not much to report during the picture-taking, except that Jay Manuel is still an orange idiot, and Brooke still doesn't know how to...be good.

Then Jay has a big announcement - the girls will all be going to a dentist to get professional teeth whitening. This is all just filler however, because the big thing is that they're going to bond the gap in Danielle's teeth, and give Joanie's mouth a total makeover (including pulling the evil snaggletooth, and veneers on all her teeth). Joanie cries from joy, because her family could never afford for her to get more than an annual cleaning. Aww!

The girls get white teeth. Danielle balks on getting the gap fixed - she tells the dentist it's her "signature look." Sister, you can't have that look, Madonna patented that years ago. But to her credit, Danielle sits and holds Joanie's hand during what ends up being a 12-hour dental extravaganza. And what's worse? Joanie has to go back tomorrow. I feel awful for her - dental surgery is rough, and to have that much work done so quickly...yikes.

Later the girls get some more schooling in "the darker side of modeling." I have no idea what this is supposed to be - my guess is this is Tyra's attempt to be all motherly and humanitarian or some shit. Anywho, the girls first meet Cycle 3 winner Eva, who really just gives them advice like, "Be confident." Wow! Put that on a nice rock and you could make a mint! Then they see Janice Dickinson again. This time she basically tells them to be careful about drinking, because once she was drunk on the runway and fell on Sophia Loren. Considering who's talking, I believe it.

Now it's time for photo shoot #2. This time they are being directed by Tyra, which is way better than Jay. In this shoot the girls will be representing the "darker side of modeling" by doing a black-and-white face shot where they are crying. But not for real - they will be aided by a "tear stick." I had no idea these things existed - it's cool, yet I feel cheated knowing that it's probably been used by a ton of Hollywood actors. It actually goes well for nearly everyone, although Brooke does more "sad and sexy" than "sad and emotional." Oh, and Nnenna has some ACTUAL tears, apparently because she's suddenly missing her family. Which came out of nowhere.

Judging time! There will be no extra challenge this week, just onto the photos. I'm going to divide the girls into whom I felt did well, did bad, or were a split decision.

TOP MODELS

Joanie was 2 for 2. Her ventriloquist dummy was convincing, perhaps more than Renee Zellweger in Chicago. And her cry pose took advantage of her dental pain. Of course the judges applaud her beautiful new smile. Also strong this week was Furonda. She used her lanky body to good use as a child's doll, and her cry shot was probably the best of the bunch. I'm still amazed the Flav-look-alike has improved so much! So are the judges. And this pains me to say, but I confess that Jade took 2 good shots. Her mannequin (how is that a doll?) was like Jade - cool and unapproachable. And her cry shot showed the soft side we'd seen with her mother. Why couldn't she just suck more? But while she's standing there, she just completely breaks down, and the judges are very confused, especially considering they are praising her.

CATALOG MODELS

Danielle started strong with her marionette. But her cry pose looked a little strange, and the tooth gap looked huge. Tyra convinces her that she needs to just get it done. Nnenna had the opposite day - a very good cry pose, but her baby doll picture was vacant and not even child-like. She blames it on the fact that she never had a doll as a child, and that John is here distracting her. Excuses, excuses. And then there's Sara, who didn't do great in either shot, but wasn't bad either. She tells the judges that she really has found a passion for modeling.

STRIP MALL MODEL

Brooke just has no clue what she's doing, and was dull all around. Also she has nothing much going on upstairs, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

The bottom two end up being Brooke and Jade. I'm shocked, because I thought the week had been set up to have it be Brooke and Nnenna. But as Jade was up being judged, she broke down in tears, so the judges seized on the opportunity to put her at the bottom, and they now say she needs to "pull it together." But they make the wise decision and boot Brooke to the curb. At least I'll still have Jade's insane antics for another week.

Next time - the girls go somewhere overseas! Also there will be a recap show after that, and considering Lost will still be a rerun, those of you who want to catch up should be watching.