May 23, 2007

America's Next Top Cover Girl

Who will win America's Next Top Model? Well if you've been waiting to find out, I have the answer. Come with me, as we approach the end. How far we have come! Remember Kathleen? I know, riiiiight?

As we rejoin our final three, none of them really care that Dionne is gone. But Renee and Jaslene sure as heck are peeved that it wasn't Natasha to get the boot.

With our accelerated timeline (all this wraps up in just an hour, to my surprise), the girls move right to meeting OJ. It's time for the Cover Girl commercial and beauty shots! But perhaps Cover Girl wasn't that crazy about past commercials, so instead the girls will be doing one of the "My Life as a Cover Girl" segments that air during the following season. Jaslene will be in a limo, ready for the red carpet. Renee will be out on a boat in Sydney harbor. And Natasha will be backstage in a makeup chair. To help them out - in walks Caridee! Hey, girl! (Thankfully it wasn't fucking Melrose again.) Oh, and the twist? They only have one line - the rest will all be improvised.

Renee is first, and is challenged by the blazing sunlight, and also her choice of lines. OJ points out to her that perhaps leading off with "When I had my son at such a young age, I thought my life was over," is not the most inspiring message for today's youth. True, but sadly it's their reality all too often.

Side note - OJ is accompanied by a supposed representative from Cover Girl's marketing staff. But this guy is so silly and young and hanging all over OJ that I'm convinced he's just somebody's butt boy.

Anywho, onto Jaslene. She starts off a bit rough - forcing her lines too much like she did with the previous commercial. OJ points out that she needs to show the cha-cha vitality that she has. So then Jas nails it, and throws in a little Spanish. OJ and Butt Boy think it's a brilliant touch.

And then Natasha. She tries her best, but her accent is thick, and her lines sound like a script. Which they are, because she wrote a script beforehand.

Glamour shots are taken.

Suddenly we are at panel! Prizes, judges. The guest judges are a pair of Australian designers. The two finalists will be in a runway show modeling this collection, as is tradition. Judgements!

Renee has a bright personality. The guest judges in particular love her. But Nigel is concerned that Renee may come off as being too old. Then her shot is revealed, and I have to say that she looks like a poor man's version of cycle 6's Joanie.

Jaslene's commercial is well-received, and both Ms. J and Tyra really love it. Her glamour shot is actually pretty good. The concern is that regardless, she just may not be commercial.

Natasha's commercial is...not good. But Twiggy loves her no matter what. They are so BFFs! Her glamour shot is not bad, although I think her lips look bizarre.

Deliberating takes place. This is where it gets tough. All the usual arguements come up. Renee - strong photos (debatable), comes off a bit old (perhaps), and Nigel says that she has a face "we've seen before" (true). Jaslene takes amazing editorial photos (true), but has to overcome the "drag" factor (it's the chin, I tell you), and is she commercial enough (does it matter?). Natasha has grown the most (agreed), but still has issues with making the most of her look (it's the lips), and her commercials are a hot mess (somewhat true). As is tradition, Twiggy agonizes over this decision.

Three girls, two photos. The first photo goes to...Jaslene! She is proud. She is cha-cha. Will Renee and Natasha step forward?

Renee - the judges think you look old. Natasha - are you really AMERICA'S Next Top Model? (Cue the nationalism.) And the photo goes to...Natasha, which is not a surprise to me at all. Renee is pissed, but manages to leave with grace. In an odd twist, she actually whispers to Natasha, "Take this home for the moms." Wha? Two-faced bitch!

We jump right to the final two doing their photo shoot for Seventeen. The winner will have her spread in the magazine and be on the cover. Which I have never picked up in my life. I'm just saying.

Now the girls meet individually with Tyra. As ScottE correctly pointed out, this is their last ditch effort to sell their sob story to Tyra. Natasha - was in Russia. No opportunities. Everyone is jealous of her. Pity her! Jaslene - grew up in the Bronx. No one believed in her, but now she has self-confidence. She was rejected last cycle, but she came back. She is cha-cha. Pity her!

And now it's the runway show. This time it's a theme of "evolution." The girls will have 3 passes, and each time they are becoming progressively more human. Or something. I dunno - the screaming brides last season were more fun. The runway itself is a long spiral descending downward. Per the new tradition, Caridee will lead off the show. And it is ON!

On the first pass, Jaslene is a bit too theatrical. Natasha is more into the animalistic vibe. On the second pass, Jaslene is becoming more poised, as is Natasha. but towards the end, Nat's bottom totally falls off. Yet she plays it off, steps out of it and over it without breaking stride. Nice. On the final pass, Jas is all fierce. Nat is losing steam, though. She looks tired. And then it's over. Fun! Hugs!

It's the final panel! Prizes are not mentioned, nor are the judges. Except the "guest judge" is OJ, which is a new twist. The judgements of their runway performances are nearly as exactly as I just described above. So it's time to look over portfolios.

First we look at week 1. Jaslene was fierce as pro-death penalty. Natasha was wimpy as pro-choice. Next it's the week 3 high school shots. Jas had perhaps her best photo, as the outcast. Nat was weak again as the teacher's pet. Week 5 they dressed as men. Jas was convincing, but Nat stole the show as a rapper. Fast forward to the men's & women's magazines photographs. Both were strong that week. Any final words?

Nat is so happy for the opportunity. So is Jas. That's about it.

Deliberations. It's clear that this is a close one. For every Natasha-lover (Twiggy) there is just as big a Jaslene-lover (Ms. J). True, Natasha fumbles commercials. But her personality is so bright - she lights up the room! True, Jaslene may not be that commercial. But does a top model have to be the best at everything? Maybe she will rule with what she's best at (in this case, editorial shoots and runway).

We return, and Tyra assures them the decision was tough. But there can only be one winner. And America's...Next...Top...Model...is...

JASLENE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy. Seriously. I do like Natasha - she grew on me very quickly in the past few weeks. But I've loved Jas since the beginning, and I love the idea of a Latina winner. I know Joyous was sad, but we can't all get our way, I suppose.

So congratulations to the cha-cha diva! See you next season on those gosh-awful "My Life" commercials!

And with that, we conclude another cycle of Top Model. Thanks for sticking with me - it was a fun ride. I'll see you again this fall!

2 comments:

ScottE. said...

is miss banks trying to squish cha cha in that last photo?

joyous said...

Yeah, I have nothing to say.