May 02, 2007

Don't Be A Cactus, Girls

When we last left the bitches of America's Next Top Model, I found myself falling in love with Natasha for doing a killer impression of Tyra (if she was, y'know, Russian). Dionne said she was "no fucking lesbo" but won back our hearts when she proved to be a bit bi-curious. And Whitney was eliminated several weeks too late.

At the house, the girls talk about nothing substantial. Jael insists she has much light to spread into the world. Methinks she may have smoked a tad too much of the wacky weed, if you catch my drift.

April from Cycle 2 stops by to supposedly teach the girls how to do an effective interview. This mainly involves her distinguishing between guests that talk to much, and those that don't talk enough. She demonstrates with her associate who is henceforth called Fast-Talking Pocket Gay. April and FTPG do some brief fake interviews, and she is so lame. I didn't see her season, but I bet she sucked it.

The girls practice on each other, and we learn that Jaslene blanks really easily. And then Brittany reveals that several years ago she was hit by a car, and now suffers from trouble with her short-term memory. Whoa - that's the kind of weird sob story Tyra loves! Well done, Brit!

That night the girls cavort in the pool, and apparently love each other again, even Renee. That's special.

The next day Tyra arrives in a huge ratty kangaroo costume which is her not-too-subtle way of telling the girls that they're going to Australia. Pack your bags, bitches!

Arriving in Sydney, they are greeted by Erika Heynatz, who originally hosted the Australian version of Top Model. She sets the girls right to work on doing interviews. They are each given a book of Australian slang. The challenge? Interview folks on the street about American fashion faux pas, while using as many pieces of slang as possible. Some of the girls do OK at this, but Renee and Natasha seem to do the best at throwing in the slang. Jael looks like an idiot because she has an enormous red tutu over her jeans. And Dionne? Not so much with the slang. But she manages to say "That's cool" about 10 times too many.

The next day it's time for - you guessed it - the Cover Girl commercial! This time their challenge is trying to do the text with an Australian accent. Jaslene and Renee seem to do well. Natasha does quite well considering that she's now overcoming both a language barrier and an accent barrier. Predictably, Brittany has trouble, even with cue cards. She cries, OJ comforts. Jael looks angry, and Dionne slips back into her weird Jamaican accent.

In the car back to their apartment, Brittany cries some more, the girls comfort some more. I hate to be insensitive, but suck it up, girl!

And now we're at panel, where there are prizes, and there are judges. Except they're in Australia now. G'day!

Natasha's commercial is pretty good considering the accent/language thing. Tyra is especially impressed.

Dionne isn't awful, but she gets the note that she should be more light and carefree for products being marketed to young women. Because older women like angst and bitterness.

Jaslene's is actually not that good. Although she was the only one to make it through without cue cards, she looks a bit upset with her reading.

Renee? Renee is doing a straight-up Crocodile Hunter impression and it's ugly. She says she was told to "ugly it up a little," so she did that this week. Tyra tells her to dial it back a bit. In other words, be slightly off-looking, not supremely hideous.

Jael's commercial is a train wreck. She sounds super angry, she's fucking up the lines, and her brain wants to be out frolicking with nature. You can practically see Twiggy chomping at the bit to eliminate her.

Brittany is wearing a vest with no shirt. And the vest is covered in buttons. Apparently she not only has short term memory issues, but What Not To Wear issues as well. Her commercial is a mess, and she cries. Fortunately the judges are sympathetic, but refuse to coddle her.

After deliberation, there are 6 girls, 5 photos. The first photo goes to Natasha! Not only that, her interview will be on the Tyra Banks Show. That is...good, I guess? Other photos go to Renee, Jaslene and Dionne. Will Brittany and Jael please step forward?

Brittany, you need to figure out how to move past your personal issues. Jael, you need to come down to earth, ya froot loop. And the photo goes to...Brittany.

Jael is not sad to leave, because now she can spread energy to people and animals. Or something. Maybe I'd understand her better if I had a few beers in me.

Next week - it's go-see time! And Brittany cries some more. Try to contain your shock.