March 14, 2007

Walk The Line

When we last left the bitches of America's Next Top Model, they were all waving good-bye to Kathleen. Being that she's a real bright person, she probably thought she was on a departing cruise ship.

Also, a point of clarification from my last post. It turns out Snotty Ms. Sarah isn't 26, she's 20. But she claims she is "20 going on 26." Which probably means she has wrinkles already that she hides with Oil of Olay. And of course this makes all of her wild claims even more unbelieveable. A Chanel show in Columbus, my ass.

Anywho, onto this week's episode. The girls first meet Ms. J and a marching band on a high school track. They are ordered to don these silly polo, short and visor outfits that make them look like either golf caddies, or perhaps contestants in the sportswear musical number for the 1983 Miss USA pageant. Naturally this is the introduction into their first runway walk lesson with Ms. J.

Their major challenge is to walk in threes, with back and forth and criss-cross twists thrown in. Many of the girls find this difficult. But not Jaslene, who believes she is the fiercest runway walker ever. You may now predict how this is going to turn out.

Then it's time for the challenge - they will do said runway walks while modeling in a high school fashion show for...prom dresses! And not just contemporary looks. They also get to exhibit 80's styles, and "ghetto chic" (a nice way of saying "whore-ish"). Oh the horror! Anyway, it's all sort of silly, and it's a bunch of high schoolers and their parents in the audience, but I guess that's a step up from the Goodwill parking lot. The girls do mostly well, but predictably have the same issues with the choreographed crossovers. And Jaslene of the boastful attitude naturally really screws it up. Oh, and Sarah's ghetto dress totally shows off her mosquito bite boobs to the students. Hey - someone needs to give them realistic expectations early. Not everyone gets to date Dolly Parton!

The winner of the challenge is actually Brittany. She was a little loose and over-the-top for my taste, but whatever. I think she won something? I forgot.

Back at the house, Jaslene is taking the criticism from the challenge very hard. She calls her mom and bawls. Love ya, Jas - but grow some thicker skin. That's still good advice when Felicia starts basically saying that Jaslene said she was great, but wasn't. Jaslene interprets this as "talking trash," and they have a very low-key arguement about it. Maybe there was more to it, but it was honestly a lame fight by ANTM standards.

Anywho, the next day it's back to high school (better them than me), where OJ assigns them high school stereotypes to portray in this week's photo shoot. Most of them are doing better this week, although a few aren't really connecting with the camera. Samantha the pure girl isn't crazy about being "the girl with the reputation," as she doesn't feel that. Translation - she's a virgin. But c'mon, haven't you read anything about Paris Hilton? Meanwhile, Renee starts complaining about everything. Specifically, she's especially upset that Jaslene got the "fierce" option to play the weirdo (a'la Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club), while poor-poor Renee gets stuck with class clown. What an idiot. Quit your bitching and crying!

At the house, Jael reads the Tyra Mail while standing there naked. Samantha is traumatized.

Time for panel! There are judges, there are prizes. Guest judge this week is the guy who led the challenge this week, Roy Campbell (he of the church fashion show in cycle 6). Thankfully there is no dumb panel challenge, so it's onto the judging.

Brittany is sassy with big pouty lips as the class valedictorian. I'm not crazy about the shape of her face, but the judges love the photo.

Cassandra plays her cheerleader as a girl with a lot of "like, whatever" attitude. It kind of works, but isn't up to the great photo she had last week.

Diana is rather striking as the girl running for class president. I will say for her that she has a good sense of what angles make the best use of her curvy figure. (Although I recommend a push-up bra, actually.)

Dionne is the bad girl in class, and she actually was very strong. Great position showing of her profile, and her long legs. Well done, chatty Cathy!

Felicia is the athlete, showing an action shot where she's playing...volleyball, I think? Anyway, I think her body is a bit awkward, but she did nail the face. The judges go nuts over the photo.

Jael is the bookworm, and has one of the best photos this week. She struck a good mix between being model sexy while wearing a ridiculous get-up, complete with taped glasses. Nice!

Jaslene...well, she just rocked it. Sure, the make-up and costume help, but she has this great turned-in position, and her eyes just scream, "I hate that you misunderstand me!" It's definitely a high fashion shot, and the judges know it.

Natasha is supposed to be teacher's pet, but the photo blows. Apparently OJ really had trouble communicating with her, as are the judges. Bless her heart, she takes every insult as a complement. As much as I think she sucks, I do think it's a bit unfair that they are being so rude and unhelpful with her language barrier.

Renee's class clown photo is actually not bad. Maybe if she stopped being so bitchy and jealous all the time, she could do well in this competition.

Samantha's photo just doesn't work. She looks more like the girl that tries to dress like a slut in order to be liked at a party. Poor thing. The judges think she comes off as boring. You know what that means...

Sarah is the flirt, but I think her photo comes off too sexual. The judges agree.

Whitney is supposed to be the mean bitchy girl. Really she just looks pissed off, which isn't what the judges were hoping for. But otherwise the photo is pretty good.

And the first photo goes to Brittany. After the other photos are handed out, we're left with Natasha and Samantha.

Natasha, you don't even know what we're saying to you, and probably think we're saying you won the show right now. Samantha, you have been marked as the "boring small-town girl" for this season. And the photo goes to...Natasha. Meh. Farewell, Samantha. I'm sure you'll do well modeling for the Southern Baptist Convention's annual fashion show and bazaar.

Next week - makeovers! FINALLY!

1 comment:

joyous said...

I totally dislike Jaslene. She doesn't really exist, she's so skinny. And OJ totally blamed Natasha for his own short comings.