April 04, 2007

What A Drag

We rejoin our coven of bitchery with Whitney and Diana bonding as the big girls on Top Model. They are size 8-10 sistahs.

Natasha calls home to talk to her husband. You know, the one that "acquired" her. They proceed to have the most creepy Daddy Complex conversation, which ends with what can only be considered a precursor to phone sex. Seriously, the girl is PURRING. Ew. Elsewhere in the house, Whitney, Diana and Renee have put 2 and 2 together to figure out that Nat was a mail order bride. You need a degree from Dartmouth to deduce that?

For their lesson this week, the girls meet up with the lady from Elite Models - the tough one. She asks them to all put on assigned outfits, which turn out to be real trashy. She asks what they think of the outfits, and naturally our two "I can sell anything" girls say they love them - Natasha and Jaslene. But they get the smackdown, and it's revealed that these are like What Not to Wear outfits. Dionne is all, "Oh, snap!" But Natasha tries to still implore that her outfit is cool. Yeah, for a hooker. Anywho, the EM Head Bitch orders them to switch various pieces around, and suddenly they are supposed to be good. Or something. This part was lame, honestly.

Later there is a challenge, where these male model brothers tell the girls to style themselves in clothes provided by Sears. So you know it's uber-fabulous (20 years ago). They'll do this in groups of 3, they have 20 minutes, and they have to arrange a whole display on a platform.

Much scrambling and shouting. Dionne uses her experience in retail to lay out looks for her team (Renee and Sarah). And when time is up, Natasha loudly whispers to Whitney that she needs to be on the platform, but is ignored. The guys look them over, and quickly dismiss team Diana-Brittany-Jaslene. They want to award the win to team Jael-Natasha-Whitney, but alas Nat was right, and Whitney fucked it up. What's worse, the individual prize was to go to Whitney. So instead the win goes to team Renee-Dionne-Sarah. And the ultimate winner is...Sarah, because they like how the colors in her outfit match her hair and eyes. Sarah is all, "I know, I knew it was perfect for me when I picked it up!" In other words, bitch takes credit for what Dionne SET OUT FOR HER. Dionne pinches up into a bitchface that is kind of awesome. Sarah's prize is a big one - after she has her photo shoot this week, she'll get to look at the film with OJ, discuss, and then shoot all over again. Dionne gives another bitchface.

Back at the house, Renee is sitting around, asking Diana and Whitney if they honestly think a plus-sized model will ever grace the cover of Vogue. She tries to sound sensitive, but it comes off so very bitchy. Whitney is all, "Get out of my face, Renee." Everyone hates Renee. I need a macro for that.

At the photo shoot, the girls will be dressing as men (just like last season), but will be posing with professional drag queens. It looks like Tyra and Ms. J are living out their dream through these girls.

There are models, there are pictures. Natasha is portraying a hip-hop guy, and asks the black girls various questions, and tries to speak a little street, and everyone laughs, because she's hilarious. And then she cracks them up further when she does her shoot. Oh, and she gives herself her own grille using some little silver foil from chewing gum. No slouch, that one. Kind of an icky whore, but still. Sarah does her shoot (badly) and then gets some criticism from OJ so she redoes it. It seems to me like she's just the same, but whatever. Dionne, bitchface. Then after Diana has a rotten shoot, OJ pulls her aside and asks her why she wants to be America's Next Top Model. "Just 'cause." Oh, Diana. You are so gone.

Time for panel. There are prizes, there are judges. The guest judge is the EMHB herself.

Brittany is awesome as a backwater Bubba. The judges worship her.

Diana is "the suck." She looks like a mannequin, when she's supposed to be in a red carpet couple.

Dionne had trouble with the shoot, but pulled off a good picture as a successful businessman. Also the judges love what she's wearing tonight - they say she looks more like a model.

Jael looks ridiculous as a hippie. She's like a cross between Groucho Marx and Sonny Bono. She is falling so hard, so fast.

Joyous will hate to hear this, but Jaslene was really good once again. She looks very much like a young guy, but I admit that with such mannish features to begin with, it's not that much of a stretch.

Natasha rocked it out. She was so very good. Although the judges tease her for still having her head not being upright. They talk about her creating the grille, and laugh at how easily she boasts and yet comes off charming. Perhaps she has a career in Fox News.

Renee was OK, but not great.

Sarah looked bad to me, but the judges like it. Tyra says that the extra shots definitely saved her. Dionnebitchface.

Whitney did really poorly what with the challenge of trying to hide her big bosom in a suit jacket. Still, she can't seem to even give a good face in her shot.

The judges deliberate, and the EMHB basically disagrees with anything they say. She says she wouldn't even give Jael a second glance in a casting call. Ouch.

9 girls, 8 photos. The first photo goes to Nat, of course. Hey, it happened. Eventually we hit the bottom two of Diana and...Whitney. Oooo - guess it won't be a final 2 of the size 8-10 sistahs!

They cry and hold hands. Diana, you just haven't shown anyone why you want this. Whitney, you seem to want it, but can't get a decent shot to save your life. And the photo goes to...Whitney. They cry, they embrace.

Diana says something boring and vanishes into obscurity. She wishes the eventual winner well.

Next week - Paris and Nicole. No, seriously!


joyous said...

I will ignore the Jaslene comment. Natasha looks awesome. The drag queens look better than any of the girls.

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