Don't get me started

All right, it's time for a wrap-up for Wednesday night TV. I'm warning you now - this contains detailed information on Top Model, Lost and Top Chef.

*SPOILER ALERT!!!*

If you haven't caught the episode for any of these, then don't read this post until you have! Got it? All the kids that don't want to be spoiled are in their rooms? (And yes, I've put the SNU in his room until he watches Top Chef.) Cool - let's roll!

So I began my evening in the fashion trenches of LA, as the girls prepared for their next challenge. This week began their runway training. "Ms. J" directs them, then puts them in heels and they walk. It's a mother-fucking walk-off! OK, not really. Much strutting ensues. And I don't mean attaching brake parts.

Basically we learn that several of these girls really must not wear heels that often. And as a potential model, you'd think they would like...constantly. Whatever - anyway, basically Kari is awful at it, Gina is of course a freak, Danielle has issues.

Next they head off for their first challenge, where they will walk in a fake runway show for this impish guy that does goth-style crap. Once the girls are all made up like the Corpse Bride, it's revealed that they will each walk with a harnessed hissing cockroach. But it's all relevant because the roaches have been BEDAZZLED. I see. So as long as your insect wears jewelry, it's totally couture. Whatever. I (love to) hate this show.

Is it undead or is it Memorex? You decide!

Anywho, this all boils down to Jade showing off that she's fearless by actually kissing her roach on the runway. Meanwhile Gina has a complete freakout including adolescent screaming, and the designer has to push her out on the runway. So of course Jade wins. She gets to take some of the girls with her to a fashion show. *snore*

For the photo shoot, the girls are all going to be dressed as characters from fairy tales, and then will fall onto a mat, caught halfway by the photographer. This strikes me as a very difficult method of modeling. Especially because of some of the outfits! Ultimately Leslie comes off really well as the Big Bad Wolf (sexy version) as does Jade playing Red Riding Hood (slut version).


At judging panel, the girls have to walk in these incredibly huge platform heels, which is just sadistic. Predictably, many of them fall (Kari in particular), and Danielle falls so bad she sprains a toe. Tyra talks about how scared she was for the girls, and I'm like, "Then don't make them do it, ya stupid bitch!" Seriously, that one competition could have ruined Danielle's chances to win, and that's completely unfair.

Ultimately the final two are Kari and Gina. This is no surprise to me at all, because the editors of Top Model have not mastered the fine art of reality foreshadowing. On the one hand, you want to make sure that the eliminated party features prominently in the show, but on the other hand not so much so that it's painfully obvious. In this case it was obvious in the first 5 minutes, so I actually wans't worried for Ms. Sprained Toe. Kari turns on the waterworks for the judges, but it's too little drama too late, and she's gone. If you want to stick around, it's got to be CONSISTENT drama like loopy Gina. Future models take note.

Over in the world of Lost, I was all happy with a show about my favorite character, Sun. First let me say that Yunjin Kim? Is gorgeous. Constantly gorgeous. Like "I might trade teams" gorgeous. I love her 4evah. The plot was predictably heartwarming and about her pregnancy (she is, by the way).



Also on Lost we discover that Henry Gale is even more creepy, and I'm now firmly convinced he is one of the Others. But any suspense about his "trap" was ruined by the ABC promotions department, which totally showed a ton of Sayid (in the hatch) for next week, so let's just say I'm not worried for the Iraqi heartthrob.

And finally, let's all take a moment to admire Jack with no shirt on. It's been far too long since I've seen that, and I humbly request the producers put more of that in the show. In fact, Jack not talking but just walking around shirtless would be a huge improvement. It's quality of life, people.

Now, I haven't really said much about Top Chef, but I have seen all three episodes. For more detailed info on what's happened thus far, check with my friends Brunette or DC Food Blog. But I felt I had to comment on this episode, because of two glaring problems.

And those problems are two GIANT FLAMING ASSHOLES called Stephen and Tiffani.

Now, Stephen has been a jerk from day one. He's a sommelier, and apparently thinks that this allows him to be an uppity pretentious prick whenever he likes. He constantly talks about how fucking great he is, and how much everyone else sucks his big toe. I kind of shrugged him off, but this week he just became too much. I seriously don't know if I can watch him for another minute, unless it's to yell at the screen.

Meanwhile, bisexual Tiffani has been pretty good so far - her food is good, she's got talent, etc. Yet for this challenge she became so fucking self-righteous, I was out of my head. She refused to "pander to children." Well I got news for you, Ms. High And Mighty Won't Compromise My Cooking Ever. You're on a fucking reality show. These shows are never designed to put you in an average situation. It's all about good TV, which means unusual challenges. If you're so freakin' perfect, then maybe you should have just been shopping your resume around instead of auditioning for this show. And yet, I suspect her foul attitude is precisely why she is not already a top chef. I now hate her with a passion. I will probably keep watching just to see her finally get her just desserts when she gets told to pack up her knives. (Lamest tagline ever.)