Don't Cry For Me, Tyra Banks

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been sucked into the vortex of America's Next Top Model, no thanks to our friend Em. A drunken New Year's marathon got me hooked, so of course I had to catch the sixth cycle premiere last night. I enjoyed it - the show I truly love to hate. At least I have this to get me by in the absence of Project Runway.

This was a two-hour special, starting with the process of whittling down a bevy of marginal beauties to get to the final 13 who will compete and live in a house together. Not much worth reporting here, except that some reality TV stereotypes were enforced, while others were busted. So although we got the token girls who cry due to tragic upbringings (e.g. separated from family by Hurricane Katrina), the token homophobic/racist girl didn't make the final cut (thank goodness, I don't think UPN viewers could handle her for more than a few minutes).

So setting that aside, let's do a quick rundown of your final 13 girls. (Emphasis on "girls" - there are few here that would qualify as "women" in physicality or maturity level.)

Brooke is from Texas, and has already been dubbed as "big chin girl" by Tyra. She is pretty in a very weird way that I can't put my finger on. Her lips are enormous.

Danielle will fill the requisite "tough African-American girl who cries a lot" role this season. She put the smackdown on the homophobe in the first hour, so I have to like her for now. We'll see how long it lasts.


Furonda is conversely the "tough African-American girl who is too tough to cry" designee. She is full of bravado and thinks she's hot shit, but she's really not terribly pretty.

Gina is a freak. Not only is she disturbingly skinny with an unattractive overbite, but she claims to be having an identity crisis. She will neither confirm nor deny her ethnicity (which is Korean-American). And she's a lush who can't hold her liquor. What a mess. Part of me wants her to go quickly, but part of me wants her around to laugh at.

Jade. Fucking Jade. She's the immediate villain with good reason. This 26 year-old basically has the attitude of, "It is a crime against humanity that this GORGEOUS self that I am has not already been America's Next Top Model like years ago because I am SO FABULOUS and everyone should love me because I'm GOD'S GIFT TO FASHION and I am just so GREAT and fucking WORSHIP ME." Yeah, it doesn't make any more sense coming out of her mouth. Attractive? Sure. Drop dead gorgeous? Not even close.

Joanie is interesting to me. On the one hand, she's the party girl/shit-starter in the group. And she's not amazingly beautiful - but she has this quality that's almost haunting. Her eyes are fantastic. I think I like her a lot. Maybe. I need time to be sure.

Kari I instantly don't like. She's generic curly blond, blue eyes, boring as hell. She's 18 but looks like 14. To be crude, she's probably the fantasy of most straight men over 40. I'm hoping she goes real quick.

Kathy is the "fish out of water" mountain girl. She is by no means what this show is looking for, and I was surprised she even made the top 13.

Leslie should be a front-runner for most of the season. She's very pretty, and has that "indistinguishable race" thing going on. But she is also low-drama so far, which does not bode well on Tyra's freakfest.

Mollie Sue is a definitely good-looking redhead, but she comes off as so very bland. I think she's probably more a victim of "too many people to focus on in one premiere episode" issue, and we'll hopefully see more about her next week.

Nnenna is my total pick to win - there is literally no reason not to like her. She comes from a down-on-their-luck Nigerian family. She's got gorgeous African features (no wonder she loves Iman). And she's dignified, regal and not dramatic. If she plays it cool, I think she could do a Naima-like cruise to victory.

Sara is my other early favorite. She was an athelete in college and has no modeling experience, but was tracked down at a mall in Georgetown to be on the show. Judging from how she's behaved the first week, I think the judges will support her throughout. She's quite tall, which is not necessarily a plus in modeling - then again, Grace won the Elle spread on Runway, and she's an Amazonian goddess.


Wendy, dear Wendy. I sort of hate that she's on the show, because it's mostly to fuck with our emotions over Katrina. Wendy lost everything in New Orleans, and is separated from most of her family. She cries...a lot. I just think it's all very gratuitous and inappropriate given the tenor of the show. And frankly Wendy (I am such an asshole for saying this) could use a nose job. There, I said it. I will now be hit by a bus as I walk up 14th Street.

The first challenge was for the girls to participate in a fake press interview with the likes of Janice Dickinson. It was mostly unremarkable except for Jade acting like an asshole, and Gina being a space cadet.

Then the first shoot - all of the girls are put in bald caps, adorned with a Bedazzler, and they pose with a bunch of mannequin heads. Most of the girls handled it well - Danielle and Sara were exceptional (see their pics above). Wendy looked...sad, of course.

The bottom two at the judging panel were Furonda and Kathy. Furonda took a bizarre shot and thought she was awesome. Kathy took a bad shot and doesn't think much at all. The judges ultimately chose Furonda's potential over Kathy's sucktitude, which was the right decision.

Next week - makeovers! (I am really far too invested in this show already.)