March 19, 2008

Where's the beef? It's under my blouse

Previously on America's Next Top Model, the girls modeled the latest in lingerie, in between arguments over who has a bigger butt, and who's more of a racist. All in a day's work in a models' house, really.

As we open this week, Dominique is truly full of herself. She has enormous (unfounded) confidence, and somehow thinks the fact that Tyra is color-correcting her hair is a badge of honor. Ah, the song of the deluded. I feel like Dom would be good friends with Jade. Meanwhile, Fatima thinks that Amis is crazy but not in a good way.

The girls end up at a fire station, and are met by real firemen, which makes the models squeal like little girls. I kind of understand that reaction, for once. Anywho, Ms. J shows up to say that this is a lesson in quick-change artistry. Who can change their outfit quickly, and then walk it well? Fatima is the only one to fail the dress-up, as she didn't put on her shoes. Or chose not to - it's a bit unclear.

The girls do their walk, and not much has changed since the auditions. Claire struts well. Fatima is too stiff. Dom thinks she's good, but she's not, to which Whitney interviews, "I've known drag queens that walk better than Dominique." HA! Awesome, and also true. And then Lauren. Oh, Lauren. She sure can take a photograph, but her walk may be worse than Heather's.

Back at the house there is a hullabaloo, because Aimee is from a very conservative (i.e. Mormon) background, and doesn't feel comfortable changing naked in front of others, and asks for privacy in the bathroom while she showers. For some reason Marvita turns it into an argument, and Whitney steps in to speak for Aimee. So then Fatima stirs it up to turn people against Whitney. Shades of Bianca!

Next the girls walk in a fashion show for Bryan Bradley, and they once again have mere moments to change and then have to walk. This results in a wardrobe malfunction for Whitney (who flashes her boob, a'la Caridee). But sadder is Fatima, who can't even button her damn sweater properly.

The runway is judged by Ann Shoket of Seventeen, and Jaslene! Jas must have been taking diction lessons, as you can actually understand every word out of her mouth. Anywho, Jaslene asks Lauren if she even wants to be there, as her walk was terrible. Lauren thinks that's way harsh. But Kat is the one who wins, rightly so. Kat gets a prize of appearing in a photo shoot for Seventeen alongside Jas. She gets to take two friends, who are rather surprisingly Marvita and Amis. Really? I think this says something about how little we know about the house dynamics yet.

And now for the most bizarre Top Model photo shoot ever. The girls are in the meatpacking district (OK, fine) wearing bikinis made of...beef. Wait, what? Seriously? What cracked-out producer came up with this one? OJ tries to call the shoot "provocative." I call it "undercooked."

Whatever, the girls pose and no one pukes. OJ finds it particularly hard to work with Amis, while he thinks Lauren is naturally creative.

Panel! Prizes, judges. Guest judge is Bryan Bradley (which is too bad, as I secretly was hoping for Jaslene). Oh, and Amis totally woke up like 10 minutes before panel, and threw on what I can only assume are rags she found in a dumpster. She's not kooky weird, she's just suck-ass weird.

Stacy-Ann is first, but disappears into the shot.

Whitney is both fun and editorial as she looks a little shocked in the picture. Well done.

Aimee looks like she's just standing on a meat subway. She's steak tartare.

Kat works it again, showing off her meat clothes, even.

Fatima has this ugly snarl on her face that makes it hard to notice much else. Tyra is not happy.

Anya still is nuts with that accent and her lack of eyebrows, but she sure is taking good pictures.

Claire is missing a bit in the face, but she has a crazy good angular body.

Dom did something risky, sitting up on a pile of beef, but she has foreshortened her body, and looks a bit slutty to me.

Ms. J immediately calls out Lauren for her bad runway walk. But of course her picture is totally fierce - she's a natural!

Amis looks like crap in person and in her picture. Yuck!

Marvita has this nice strong look everywhere but her face. Considering she looks like she could kill someone when she's arguing in the house, why can't she do that in a photo shoot?

The judges deliberate. Nigel is getting on the Whitney train. Paulina has no love for Aimee, but does for Anya.

Eleven beautiful girls, ten photos. First photo goes to...Anya! A bit surprising, but I think Tyra is spreading the love around. Whitney, Kat, Claire, Dom, Stacy-Ann, Lauren (who would have been first had it not been for the walk), Marvita and Aimee are given photos. Will Fatima (dang!) and Amis step forward?

Fatima, you may think you're all that, but you ain't, girl. Amis, the judges think you don't have focus. Amis looks really confused (case in point). The photo goes to Fatima, of course. Amis, go home you nut job who never should have made the finals!

Coming up - fighting brews in the house again! Maybe this is the infamous food fight that's been reported in the news? Oh, and Benny Ninja is back. Yeah, sorry, I can't do anything about that.

2 comments:

joyous said...

You are completely right that Jaslene is gunning for Tyra's job. And then I will have to stop watching the show.

Lady Brandenburg said...

Can't wait for your recap of the latest episode - for once I really identified with one of these crazy girls... poor Claire! I know it may be a woozy topic for some, but it is REALLY UPSETTING when, as a new mom, you start to "dry up." None of those other non-mom girls would really understand. It's extremely emotional when it happens, even if you're a tough chick like Claire. Poor thing!!! I feel for you honey!