Insert Blonde Joke Here

The season is really beginning for our Top Model bitches, as they meet OJ in some random L.A. location. As usual he says nothing of substance, so let's cut to the chase - he's here to show them their ride for the season. But it is not just any luxury stretch limo, no!

For you see, this is the season of Tyra trying even harder to be Oprah. Thus, it is the season of social consciousness. So the girls will be riding in a bus that is both green and green (in the Al Gore sense). Inside it is both green with grass, and also green (Gore again). Mila says something really dumb about how environmental issues are cool or something. Mila saying dumb things is going to be a theme this week.

Then the girls go see their house, which even I must admit is probably the nicest so far. Pictures of Tyra and Jaslene adorn the walls. And here and there are reminders on how the girls should be Gore-green, such as limiting the time of their showers. Kimberly solves this problem by having an orgy in the tub. (Or just a group pile - it was hard to see in between the bodies.) What might not be so green is the lighted runway for the girls to practice. Then again, maybe the bulbs underneath are halogen? Who am I to judge?

Oh right, I'm a recapper - it's my JOB to judge! Speaking of judging, Saleisha, Bianca and Lisa do the now standard impression of Tyra doing an elimination ceremony. Saleisha portrays Tyra, and chooses Bianca to stay. Bianca is all, "That's right, SEE ya!" Bianca being a bitch to Lisa? Also a theme.

Meanwhile, Heather's personality challenges surface, as she has trouble relating to the other girls. They begin talking behind her back, but for now aren't being very malicious. Yet.

Ms. J stops by for a visit, and freaks me out a bit, as he's...dressed like a man. Is that drag for him? Anywho, he's here to give the girls some advice for their day-to-day fashion sense. The message? Bitches need to stop showing up to panel looking like a gypsy (yes, we mean you, JADE). To test this, they will be heading to Old Navy to pick out an appropriate outfit.

Meeting them at the tres chic Old Navy - HAHAHAHA!!!!. Sorry, I can't even type that with a straight face. Anywho, meeting them is Benny Ninja, poser (not poseur) extraordinaire. He reminds them of some of Ms. J's suggestions and then tells them it's a contest. They get 10 minutes to find a look to wear to panel. The winner will be announced there.

Much tearing apart of the store. Most of the girls opt for jeans and a tank. Mila is all proud of the dress she picked, though. And Ms. Ebony is a mess, as she didn't manage to put the outfit on, and stands in front of Benny with no pants on. He takes the opening for a lame joke. Moving on!

The girls meet OJ for their first photo shoots as finalists. Tyra is socially conscious! So they will be doing a shoot that demonstrates the horrors of smoking. They each take 2 shots - one smoking and looking cool, and another (which will be a mirror reflection) of a smoking-related affliction. And with 13 girls? They really stretch those afflictions. I mean - a face tumor? That looks like the Grand Canyon on Lisa's face? Bizarre.

Anywho, the girls try their best - some take to it easily (Sarah, Heather), some find it more challenging than they thought (Ebony) and others have mixed results (Bianca).

Backstage, we are witness to the most ghetto arguement ever between Bianca and Lisa. This continues after the shoot, with Bianca attacking Lisa for her career choice - "You think America's Next Top Model is gonna be a strippah? Uh-uh!!!!" (Queens accent.) Lisa is brought to tears. Meanwhile, Victoria is above it all and hates catfights. Because you know she goes to Yale. So it's a real annoyance for her to be down here amongst us mortals. OJ comes to break up the fight.

Back at home, Bianca apologizes to Lisa in the hot tub. Of course, she then interviews that she only apologized as a strategic move - "I just don't want it to come up in panel." Now here I thought Ebony was Alpha Bitch, but I was wrong. She's like...Gamma Bitch. All hail Bianca, Bitch Supreme!

Now the girls recommence trash-talking Heather behind her back, and Kimberly is particularly snotty - "I don't want to get close - those kind of people become clingy." Heather then has a tearful call home with her mother, who tries to be encouraging. Heather wants to rise above her Asperger's, but she doesn't feel she can trust any of the girls. (Probably for the best, girl - chin up!)

Judging panel! There are prizes (same as last year) and judges (same as last year). So let's judge photos and outfits, shall we?

Ambreal shows good poise, even when coughing up blood. Not too shabby.

Bianca has dead eyes and her passive hand is all twisted in her glamour pose. But her scary teeth shot is well done.

Chantal does pretty well, but she's also a bit generic pretty for my taste right now. We'll see what a makeover can do for her.

Ebony looks like she's made of wood - girl has lost her mojo. Apparently she's so scared of not being liked, that she can't perform. Wow - I might have to downgrade her to Omega Bitch.

Heather and Saleisha do a duo dual photograph to show the effects of secondhand smoke. There isn't too much energy between them, but they both photograph really nicely. Saleisha has great eyes, and Heather shows off her beautiful jawline.

Janet and Jenah both look fine, but are unexceptional. The judges feel the same.

Kimberly gets called out by Tyra for putting too much "hooch" in her shot.

Lisa has some saucy legs to good effect, but that facial tumor thing is just silly.

Mila sits with one ass cheek lifted, and Ms. J rightly says she looks like she just farted. Also OJ reports that she wasn't taking her chemotherapy photo seriously (she wasn't, she couldn't stop laughing). As the judges talk, Mila's eyes glaze over, and she pictures a planet full of unicorns.

Sarah does great, showing off her full length of leg, and looking appropriately upset for her premature aging shot. Very nice! My favorite this week.

Victoria looks a bit trampy, but she's from Yale, so it doesn't matter. I will give her props for a good shot with a "stillborn child." Also, Victoria makes a mistake by arguing a bit with Twiggy (saying she's not lacking in confidence - she's just shy). Tyra cautions her against appearing arrogant.

And now to announce the challenge winner - it's Saleisha! She's got on a wispy chocolate brown babydoll dress with a simple red necklace. It's cute. As a prize, she wins a $1,000 shopping spree at Old Navy. So...she can buy the whole store? Also she'll shoot an ad for Old Navy. Much better prize. As long as she doesn't have to do a shoot with that dog and Morgan Fairchild.

The judges deliberate. Ms. J is down on Jenah, and Twiggy is no fan of Janet's. They really enjoy the ease that Heather, Lisa and Sarah exhibited. Nigel wants Chantal to be a bit "ugly beautiful." Tyra wants Kimberly to check the hooch.

13 beautiful girls... But first! Tyra is socially conscious. So this year she is banning smoking. On the show, that is. She might try to ban smoking world-wide, though - so watch out! Jenah, the one regular smoker in the bunch gets buggier eyes than normal. Of course, girls desperate for a cigarette will probably be bitchier - and you know that will be fun!

Now we move onto 13 beautiful girls, 12 photos. And the first photo goes to...Heather! She's quite shocked, and appears unsure what to do, but then accepts her photo. Also safe are Lisa (eat it, Bianca), and then Chantal, Sarah, Jenah, Saleisha, Ambreal, Victoria, Janet, Kimberly, and Bianca. Will Ebony and Mila please step forward?

Ebony (crying already), you are beautiful - some even say (Nigel) the most beautiful here. But you have to put it in the photo. Mila (singing along to the Brady Bunch in her head), you are pretty. That's about it.

And the photo goes to...Ebony (duh). Mila, come give us a hug! Now, Mila has this look that totally says, "What? Did I win? Am I America's Next Top Model? I'd better pose and look pretty!" And back at the house, she says she's surprised, as she thought she'd win. Or did she win? Seriously - girl is DUMB. To call her the stupidest ANTM contestant to-date...is that going too far? I think not. All hail the Queen Idiot!

Next week - something scary happens. And bitchy arguing continues. For Tyra's next cause, she will be saving the whales. See you then!