Spectrum Of Stupidity

It's time for whining young girls to act like bitches to each other. It's time for Tyra to pretend she's Oprah. It's time for a very tall black man to remind us all he's gay at every opportunity. And it's time for an orange man to give us his botox smile while giving us blatant product placement. That's right - another season (or CYCLE, if you must) of America's Next Top Model!

I will once again be here to help you navigate the murky waters of "high fashion" each week. I'll guide you through a portfolio of improbable photo shoots. And I'll attempt to translate what these poor girls are trying to say. Join me, won't you?

I'm not going to spend much time discussing the first hour of the premiere, as it's really just a way to ease you into the show. So here's a quick summary of how they whittled 20+ girls down to the final 13.

First, the models arrive at "model boot camp" which is just an excuse for the Js to dress up in fatigues, and to torture the girls a bit. Tyra comes out with some steppers from Phi Beta Sigma, and greets them, etc. All the girls get shots taken there, and later at a party. And then the interviews. The theme this year is hair weaves. We hear about weaves that have been stitched, those that have been reposessed, and those that are two-toned. And as a person who frequently sees pieces of weaves strewn on the ground during his daily commute, I can tell you that even I learned something new.

Eventually Tyra and the Js dissect the girls and pick their final 13. Without further ado, may I present your 2007 crop of spring bitches!

Brittany is a bartender from Georgia with classic pouty lips. She appears to be relatively normal, which makes her stick out like a sore thumb this season.

Cassandra is the girl who had her weave stitched to her head. Why anyone would do that is beyond me, although Ms. J points out that at least she got it stitched in the right place.

Diana is one of our two "plus-sized" girls this season, which you will hear at every opportunity from Tyra. "Plus-sized" in this case means she's like a size 12 and just a bit more hippy than average. (Clearly the plus-sized thing is the gimmick for this season, as the twins were last season. I assume this is part of Tyra's recent crusade to love herself even though she's gained a couple pounds and is probably wearing an enormous size SIX.)

Dionne is she of the two-toned weave, and doesn't know how to shut up. Girl is a talker.

Felicia is often mistaken for being a young Tyra, which is interesting, as she's way more attractive than Ms. Banks.

Jael (pronounced "J.L.") is the spikey-haired blonde with the raspy manish voice.

Jaslene is noteworthy, as she just missed the final 13 cut last season. This time she made it through, perhaps because she took a little Ritalin. She is determined to be the America's First Latina Top Model. (Which may or may not be a show in development on Univision.)

Kathleen has enormous dyed red hair and is from Brooklyn. When she speaks, that is painfully obvious. (Let's just say she gives Rosie Perez a run for her money.)

Natasha is a Russian mail-order bride. No, I'm not joking. Her husband is 40 years old. Also, she wins the "worst skin of the season" award. And she's not very bright, so she'll fit in fine with this crew.

Renee is a mother, and will remind you at every opportunity that she has a son that she's "doing this for." Also she's angling for the position of America's Next Top Bitch.

Samantha is filling the "small-town Alabama girl" slot this season. She's naive but kind of adorable.

Sarah is the oldest at 26, and apparently has had time to do every career in the history of universe already, including fashion photographer and movie actress. Her ego tends to enter the room several minutes before she does.

Whitney is our other "plus-sized" girl. In her case, "plus-sized" translates to "big knockers."

First up, the girls are sent straight to their first photo shoot, which will be shot by judge Nigel Barker. They each will be portraying a cause that they may or may not believe in. They just have to work it, regardless. OJ doles out the parts, which include pro-fur, anti-gun, pro-death penalty, etc. Notable during this segment is that Jael has a sudden fever, which is somehow cured later by a hula hoop. And thus, the downward spiral into stupidity begins!

That evening the girls get to see their new pad. This year it's decked out with pictures of former contestants, perhaps to remind us that the show used to have some awesome girls, just in case this crop starts to suck. It's around this time that Renee starts to hate on half the girls for no apparent reason, and tries alternately to get Jael and Diana to be all mean and negative with her. Because misery loves company.

The next day it's off to Goodwill. No, once again I'm not joking. The challenge (introduced by Ms. J and noted celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch) is to find an outfit in 3 minutes from the many racks of donated clothes. The girls race around and do so. Then they have to do a "runway show" where people (who appear to have been dragged from the nearest shopping mall) will bid on the outfits. Whomever gets the highest bid wins. And so, the girls work the faux runway, and I try to stifle my laughter that they are seriously in a fashion show for Goodwill - it's just such a bizarre juxtaposition. Anyway - fast forward, Jael wins. The bid? A whopping $286. Her prize is that this enormous donation will be made in her name. Wow, generous! (The website claims that she earned a style makeover from Mr. Bloch, but I seriously don't remember that.)

And with that, we're already out of time and need to head to the first judging panel. There are prizes, and there are judges (Nigel, Tyra, Ms. J and Twiggy). No guest judge and no panel challenge, so let's get onto the judgements!

Brittany is portraying pro-fur, and although I'm personally offended by fur, I have to admit she looks great. Very classic rich bitch chic.

Kathleen is supposedly anti-fur, but she is completely clueless, and it shows in the photo. Enjoy this great exchange -

Nigel: "Kathleen, you don't look like you know what it means to be anti-fur."

Kathleen: "I know, riiiiight???"

She starts talking about how she likes fur as long as "it comes from animals that die naturally, y'know, like in a jungle?" Seriously, this girl is dumb as a box of hammers.

Cassandra is pro-meat, and the picture is actually quite good, as she appears to be feasting on a chicken leg.

Dionne is instead the vegan picture, although she appears to think vegans can only eat fruits and vegetables, as that's what she's posing with. The picture is pretty good, if a bit static.

Diana is portraying pro-gun, and her photo is a sort of action shot, where she's all Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. Unfortunately she's a bit dead in the face. Still, her skin is flawless.

Renee is the hippie anti-gun girl. Although I think the styling on the photo is great, Renee just looks scared.

Felicia portrays traditional marriage as she poses in a bridal gown with a mannequin husband. Although it's a bit generic for a photo, she still looks lovely.

Meanwhile, Samantha and Whitney act as a lesbian couple for gay marriage. The photo doesn't quite work, as they both look so serious. Samantha is showing off her profile to good effect, but Whitney is hiding behind her jacket's collar.

Jael is supposed to be pro-life, chained to the door of an abortion clinic. Instead she looks like a confused Stacy Kiebler. She blames this on her mysterious "fever." Also she fumbles in front of the judges by saying she kind of didn't want to win the Goodwill challenge, as she wants the other girls to like her. BZZT! Wrong answer!

Natasha is pro-choice, and gives the most boring photo in the history of the universe.

Jaslene is "pro-death penalty" but it really looks more like she's a crazed executioner/dominatrix. The photo is actually pretty hot, and definitely the best of the week. Her eyes are fierce. It's all very Grace Jones.

Sarah is anti-death penalty, but her dull shot makes her just look like a reject from the film Chicago.

13 girls (neither beautiful, nor women - take note), 12 photos. Tyra expresses her deep disappointment at the poor showing on their first shoot. Then Jaslene gets the first photo, and she is proud. The rest are handed out, leaving Jael and Kathleen in the bottom 2.

Jael, you are dumb for not wanting to win when it's a COMPETITION. Kathleen, you are dumb for thinking that mink coats are made from young minks that die peacefully in their sleep conveniently outside a tailor's shop. And the photo goes to...Jael. To her credit, Kathleen actually comprehends that she has been eliminated and leaves gracefully. She pledges that she will not stop modeling.

Next week - makeovers! Which means girls crying who claimed in the interviews that they will do anything to change their looks. Can't wait!