Cruising and Losing

Ladies and bitches - America's Next Top Model is BACK, baby! At long last we return to a world of hair weaves, concave poses and fierce runway walks. To a world where a woman is judged not on the size of her boobs, but on her ability to drop it like it's hot. To a world where a Jay may be addressed as "Ms." or "OJ". So come on board for Cycle 9! We're expecting you...

We begin with Tyra reminding us why she does the show. She wants to show young girls their potential and so forth. Also she knows that she and the show are hot shit, so why stop? (There is a brief shot of fucking Melrose, and I vomit a bit in my mouth.) Anywho, she starts placing calls to the 33 girls that will have been named semifinalists. Screaming ensues. Actually that happens a lot in the premiere, so if you see any empty spaces in this post, just assume it's filled with girls screaming.

Eventually they all fly to their destination - San Juan, Puerto Rico! Which is hott, as I was just there about 30 hours ago. The girls are blindfolded and taken to their final destination, which is a cruise ship, and of course the purser is Ms. J in full-on Love Boat gear. He tells them they will be on the ship for the next week. Screaming. Then a tour of the ship (which looks like a mall inside - damn, I need to go on a cruise), but he reminds them that they are there to work. As in, "WORK IT, girl!"

After that there are many little introductions of the girls, but considering 20 of them will be cut in the next 45 minutes, it's not really worth focusing on all their names. Rest assured that someone is bitchy, someone lacks self-confidence, someone is overcoming adversity, etc. There is a girl named Ebony who looks like she's angling for position of Alpha Bitch (see also: Jade, Melrose). And there is seriously some girl named Spontaniouse. What parents are so fucked up as to name their daughter that? Damn.

Anywho, it's time for an initial runway walk rundown with Ms. J up on the poop deck. Oh, and they strut whilst wearing big orange life preservers. Not hott! Predictably, a few are strong right out of the box, and a few should learn how to walk, period.

As the girls dine in a small showroom, out comes Tyra doing a ridiculous "musical" number with some male back-up dancers from the road show of Chicago. Screaming. Tyra reminds them that they were all hand-picked by her (and a staff of 18, I'm sure), and now is the time for them to really bring it. Interviews are commencing tomorrow. Soon we'll be making another run...

Tradition dictates that we see a couple weirdos, a couple crybabies, and a couple works in progress. Highlights of the interviews include:

- Ambreal has it goin' on in a swimsuit, but the girl also wears jean bottoms (just below the knee) as some sort of denim leg warmers. Not hott!

- Heather was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a type of autism (good sob story!). This causes her to be somewhat socially awkward. She is this cycle's poster girl for "ugly beautiful."

- Victoria is a student at Yale (ooo - shades of Cycle 1's Elyse), but has a horse face.

- Janet is an aesthetician, which is a nice way of saying "bikini waxer." For some reason Tyra hops up on the table for a demonstration of how it's done, and my lord, Janet touches her va-jay-jay! Tyra feels this bonds them. Indeed! (Didn't take long for the lesbian escapades to begin this year, did it?)

- Marvita has the big-time stob story of a childhood. Which means she will either win, or be cut before the finals. Jennifer has the sob story of being a bartender with a Boston accent, which pretty much assures the latter.

- Mila is a ridiculously perky blonde, who will probably be kept around just to annoy the bitchy girls.

- Sarah is for some reason up for debate as she's neither plus-sized, nor is she model-sized. In other words, she's normal. Which means she serves no purpose for this show, apparently. (Hey, I'm just the messenger.)

- Lisa is basically a stripper that doesn't go all the way (she only strips to a bikini). Thus, by being a slightly higher-class of "exotic dancer" she may stand a chance.

- Bianca has a cheap weave. Ebony brags that hers cost a fortune. I believe we have our set-up for the alpha bitch smackdown!

Ooh - it's a break time to check in with Jaslene's life as a Cover Girl! It's been amazing and she'll tell us about it all season. Hey, Cha Cha!

And now it's time for the first photo shoot, on the beach of Antigua. And who's there to kick it off? Jas, of course! I miss her.

There is posing in water. There is wet hair. There is bravado. There is low self-esteem.

Then the group is cut down to 20 with the usual bum-rush of the Js, this time for tickets to stay on the cruise. The 13 left will be marooned in Antigua. (Oh, the horror.) They run, they scream. I don't really know any of the girls who are cut, so it doesn't matter. Moving on! Plot a course for adventure...

The girls get one last chance to tell Tyra why they should be picked, and then she heads into final deliberations with the Js. There is the usual snap judgements (too commercial) and cutting remarks about physical flaws (poor Victoria's face). And that's that.

20 girls stand before Tyra who is on a catwalk hanging above a pool (the hell?). She will now announce the final 13. They are Ambreal, Heather, Victoria, Janet, Mila, Bianca, Ebony, Sarah (!), a leggy blonde from Texas named Chantal, bug-eyed Jenah, and Kimberly (seriously, who?), and a self-confident Saleisha (good name). The last choice is clearly down to Marvita (family sob story), Jennifer (Boston bartender sob story), or Lisa (basically a stripper sob story). And the spot goes to...Lisa! Which is good, as she is by far the best-looking of those remaining.

Tyra gives the departing 7 girls a pep talk, which amounts to, "Bon voyage, bitches!" And then she cheers with her final 13.

And so there you have it! Our rundown to begin the season is complete. Will the winner be Horse Face? Cheap Weave? Alpha Bitch? Socially Awkward? That girl I don't recall was in the premiere at all? Or will the shocker be that it's actually Ms. Normal-Sized? My gut right now tells me we'll be looking at Heather and Lisa as prime contenders.

Stay tuned, bitches!!!

And for those that are curious, yes, I have plenty more to post about in the coming week. I've got a few movie reviews (thank you, Ted Airlines), some Netflix to catch up on, and more. Keep checking in - I'm back, baby!