Dead Models Tell No Tales

When we last left our young bitches-in-training on Top Model, they were saying goodbye to Cassandra and her formerly sewn-in hair weave. Diana was in the bottom 2 and is none too happy about it. She says she really wants to prove she can be a model and not just a pretty face.

Jael is still struggling with the news of her friend's untimely death, so Felicia tries to cheer her up with a dance lesson. Dance your cares awaaayyyy.....! But nearby, Renee is dancing her own little pity party. Everyone hates me, etc.

But the next day she wakes up and resolves to be nicer. Not because it's the good thing to do - it's because she realizes being a bitch won't get her farther in the competition. Well, at least she's honest. To kick off this sunshine campaign, she gives Jael a drawing that will supposedly make her feel better. It is a drawing of Jael in a straightjacket that isn't tied. You know, Hallmark should really make a card like that. But of course Jael is a bit of a freak and thinks it's cool.

The girls go to meet a "traffic cop" who is actually the head of the House of Ninja. If you don't know who they are, rent the excellent documentary Paris is Burning. Let's just say that they invented vogueing pre-Madonna. So he's there to teach the girls poses, and it's all rather silly, even if he's kind of awesome.

Later they face their challenge for the week, and it's great. First, they must traverse a room in a bank that is criss-crossed with lasers, like something out of Star Wars. And the whole way they must pose. POSE, I tell you! Anyone that makes it across gets a chance to win a $40K bracelet, which is a bit ridiculous, because where would a girl of 21 wear it? The winner will be chosen by Le Ninja, who will choose the best poser. Which basically means he'll separate the posers from the poseurs. *rimshot*

Anywho, the girls do the little maze, and all of them make it...except Renee. This causes her to become disraught, because her family is deep in debt and neither she nor her husband has a job. Uh huh. And they live on MAUI. Here's a nice place to start, how about moving to a cheaper place, like...Paris? And the winner proves to be Whitney. She decides she will keep the bracelet despite being in debt to her father for $9K from college loans.

Back at the manse, Renee calls her boyfriend, and bawls, and wah-wah, SHUT UP. Seriously, the girl is acting pathetic. And she's hogging the phone, so Felicia talks trash about her.

For the photo shoot this week, the girls will portray models who were killed in gruesome ways by other models. Because modeling? Is a very dangerous profession. Coming up on the CW, it's CSI: Milan!

Most of the girls really rock their shoots, including Renee. OJ brags to the other girls that she was awesome, which Renee is like, "Oh crap, don't do that." He asks why, and she confesses, "Because I'm a bitch." Again, I appreciate the honesty. Felicia is not having such a good day, though, as OJ says she is just looking dead instead of dead while modeling.

At the panel, there are judges, there are prizes. Let's move onto the judgements, shall we? [Sadly I don't have pictures yet, but will try to post them at a later date.]

Brittany continues to be strong, by suggesting that being fully in a tub as an electrocution victim wasn't a good idea, so she was sprawled out on the floor half-out of the tub. It's quite good.

Diana had a strong showing this week, showing how she can do well in a small hallway.

Dionne looks great as a woman who was shot in the head, but the photographer said she had to be told where to put her various limbs. The kicker is they criticize what she's wearing at panel, which is laughable considering Tyra's hair looks like it's being consumed by a pastel angora rabbit.

As mentioned above, Felicia just looks dead. Dead eyes, dead expression...just dead. Great as a corpse for Six Feet Under, but not for modeling.

Jael (who is forced into a shoot about death the week after her friend dies...the producers' tradition continues) had a very weak shot in my opinion.

But Jaslene rocks it once again, giving a convincing shot of a model who fell off a building.

Natasha finally pulls out a good one as a drowning victim. But Tyra points out that both of her better shots she's been upside-down - can she do well standing up? (NO COMMENT.)

Renee is the judges' favorite as a poison victim. It's definitely good (reminds me a bit of Megg's drug addict last cycle), but not the best of the week.

Sarah does moderately well once again. Like Jaslene she comes off better in photos than in person.

Whitney finally nails a shot with a slash across her midsection. Although she is told that perhaps she looks a bit too alive.

After deliberation, there are 10 photos, 9 girls. First photo goes to Renee, which seems to beef up her confidence. Which means more bitchy fun! The bottom two end up being Dionne and Felicia.

Dionne, you need to be more creative in your poses, and you need to dress more like a model at panel. Y'know...not like Tyra. Felicia, you need to learn how to be a sexy corpse. And the photo goes to...Dionne. Thankfully.

Felicia heads back home, where she will likely end up as a back-up dancer for a second-string rap artist in his music videos. Reach for the stars, girl!

Next week - Renee makes more enemies (as if that were possible)!