May 05, 2006

An elephant never forgets (but Furonda does)

It's that time again! Time to follow the trials and tribulations in the world of modeling. And if you thought it was risk-free - think again!

When we last left our fair girls on America's Next Top Model, they had said good-bye to Nnenna. Naturally Jade is all missing her and stuff, because no one left really likes her. Furonda feels vulnerable, with good reason. Sara has a brilliant plan - since she has no confidence in her ability, she's going to fake it. Fake her CONFIDENCE, you dirty bird! Joanie thinks that Jade is rude and not genuine. (Best line - "Even when I sit next to her, all I smell is bitch." HA!) Danielle hasn't been sleeping much.

For training, the girls are sent to a Thai dance theater. Their challenge is to learn some traditional Thai dance movements, and then perform in front of an audience. I hate to sound like a broken record, but the girls all take to it about as well as you'd expect. Joanie is precise, Jade tries to be precise, Furonda is a hot mess.

As they take a lunch break before the show, Danielle suddenly disappears, unbeknownst to the girls. She ends up passing out, and is taken to the hospital! Scary! Will she live? Will she die? (This is the requisite reality show drama for the season.)

So while Danielle lies down in the hospital, the other girls have to perform. Jade is first, and she is very stiff, and also breaks a couple cardinal rules (like that women do not raise their hands above their eye level in Thai dance). Joanie goes next, and does quite well, and remembers to smile. Sara is her usual unconfident, "I'm so tall" self. Furonda doesn't know what the hell she's doing, so she breaks into the bizarre mix of hip hop and hula dance. The audience is cracking up, and I think Furonda thought they were enjoying it. Of course, they're laughing AT her while they're enjoying it.

Joanie is named the winner - hurrah! Her prize is dinner with the editor of Elle Thailand magazine. She chooses to take Sara with her. (Which you know is a consolation choice because Danielle is laid up.)

And how is Danielle? She's been diagnosed with "exhaustion, dehydration and a little food poisoning." Well clearly you've made it, girl - that's what they call it every time famous people are hospitalized! Meanwhile Joanie and Sara have a dinner that is completely uneventful.

Danielle breaks doctor's orders and goes back to the hotel to rest up for the next day's shoot. She barely makes it out of bed, but she does go.

For the photo shoot, the girls are doing an ad for Gilette Venus razor. And at this point the product placement reaches a new low. Big Orange Jay Manuel says, "So I want you girls to go shave your legs, and get ready!" And they do. And they have to say crap like, "Oh, my leg feels so smooth!" Disgusting.

MOVING ON. The girls will be posing on an elephant. This is supposed to contrast the rough skin of the elephant with the smooth leg of the model. Do you get it? DO YOU?

*sigh* Anywho, first up is Danielle. Since she's first, the elephant is a bit skittish from the camera flash. But despite that and her weak constitution, Danielle does well. Good thing this shoot doesn't require smiling, though. Jade is just as stiff as she was doing the Thai dancing. And Jay says that every time he gives her direction, Jade takes it as criticism. Well isn't that valid? I mean, she sucks! Furonda continues to have trouble - the magic she had two weeks ago is gone.

Then comes Joanie. More than just a pretty face, she tries some inventive posing, including standing on the elephant's flexed leg. She is of course fantastic. Meanwhile, Sara has been watching all the other girls to learn - because she's the smart one. Not so smart though, is her plan to pretty much copy all of Joanie's poses. And she doesn't do them as well, which Jay points out. Joanie seems a bit irritated, but mostly confused.

At the judging panel, the girls are asked to don a mask, and use their bodies to portray three emotions - sensuality, despair and compassion. The results are hiLARious. Furonda does all sorts of wild, flailing movements that make her look like an escaped mental patient. Sara is quiet and reserved. Joanie is soft, but a bit too Thai (that dance influenced her, I think). Jade gets the Thai bug also, but in a crazy way (of course). Danielle does this weird thing where she advances on the judges all three times, and Miss J looks terrified. Onto judging!

Furonda's photo is just not good. Her legs are bent too much, her feet are flexed, and her position is off. Danielle looks strong and polished - one of her best shots, I'd say. Jade has this bizarre pose where she looks like Superman - as if she posed in front of a green screen and was superimposed on the elephant. Also her legs are bent all weird. Joanie is flawless. Nay, Joanie is FIERCE! (The fact that I'm using that term without a trace of irony shows you how badly I've been sucked into this damn show.) Sara did poorly in copying Joanie, but she did pull off a great shot with lovely pointed feet.

Five beautiful girls, four photos. The photos go to Joanie, Sara and Danielle (who gets criticized AGAIN for needing to work on her speaking skills). So it's down to Jade and Furonda. Jade thinks she knows everything, but doesn't realize she's a freak of nature. Furonda doesn't know much of anything. And the last photo goes to...Jade. And I'm surprised that I'm happy with that - I guess I want her crazy ass around a bit longer.

So Furonda attempts to sashay out of the show, but she looks bad even doing that. Good-bye, Flava Flav - I'll miss you and your wacky ways.

Next week - the girls go out for "look-see" visits, which apparently involve wearing huge animal heads. Could this show get any weirder?

Oh, and who do I think will win? Well my hope (and assumption) is that it will come down to Joanie and Danielle. Both take great photos, but Joanie has a wimpy personality at the judging panel, and Danielle sounds like a country hick. So which one can change the way Tyra demands in time? My money remains on Joanie. Good luck, stripper girl!


ScottE. said...

models are smart! didn't one of them say elephants are related to dinosaurs! HOT.

Dancer in DC said...

OMG - I forgot that! Yes, Jade said that she loves elephants, "because they're related to dinosaurs, you know." Crazy-ass bitch!

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