Top Model Cycle 11 Premieres!

It seems like we just ended cycle 10 with Whitney's win, and already we're back with the new cycle of America's Next Top Model! Here's everything you need to know about last night's premiere.

First off, the model selection "theme" this year was not as clever as cycle 9 (boot camp) or appropriate as cycle 10 (school). Instead they have this really cheezy "futuristic" theme that really looks more like a bad kid's show from the 80s. Pretty much the entire first hour was full of such grimace-inducing moments as the "special effects" of Tyra and the J's "beaming up," as well as the horrid names they gave each other (Alpha Jay, Beta Jay, and Tyrabot. I'm not kidding.). Also there is much fuss made about being "back in Los Angeles" which is rather silly considering they only took off one season to go to New York. My guess is Tyra found the people there to be too sharp and judgmental.

Suffice it to say, the trio whittle the dozens of contenders down to 20 semifinalists, and then the final 14 finalists. Those not making the cut included Kacey (whose attitude was fiercely stank) and Veronique (the Mormon with the pretentious name). But enough about those has-beens - here's your key rundown for the finalists:

Analeigh used to be a competitive figure skater, and also narrowly escaped being sold as a bride to a rich Saudi. What must have gotten her through is her fabulous long hair (one worries how long it will be around).

Brittany - there were actually 3 Brittanys, but Tyra wisely asked 2 of them to come up with new names. This one is from Vegas, and has the "interesting ethnic background" thing going on - her parents are African-American and Native American. Personally I think she looks a bit mannish.

Clark - is that really a name? Anywho, she's your resident blond bitch for the season. She's the new Renee.

Elina's sexuality is ambiguous but her politics are not - she's a militant vegan. Her look is strong and should photograph well.

Hannah is from Alaska and grew up with no running water or electricity. Or so she says. Regardless, she's going to remind you of it at every opportunity, so get used to it. In fact, I'm just going to call her Alaska.

Isis you have already heard me talk about - she's an out and proud pre-op transgender woman. She handles all of her interviews with aplomb, and photographs like a dream - we just need to work on that runway walk.

Joslyn says that she's been to something like 30 tryouts for this show! Perseverance is obviously key. She's a bit older and looks like it until the camera is on, then she looks fierce. I love her attitude.

Lauren Brie is a weird double name. What you need to know is that she looks like stupid Mila but she's not that dumb. She's just named for cheese.

Marjorie is a total spaz, but she has this shockingly white-blond hair and a nice European look. I predict she'll be top of the heap for awhile, but will eventually get the boot for a bad commercial.

McKey is Brittany #2, with striking red hair and deep blue eyes, topped off with perfect pouty lips. Her husband is a cage fighter, and McKey helps him train, so she's sort of a boxer.

Nikeysha looks ugly to me, and she wears fake breast enhancers. And she talks to much. I'm already sick of her.

Samantha is just a typical blond, but unlike most of these girls, she looks like she actually eats and gets exercise. She's the "healthy look" poster girl for this season.

Sharaun is Brittany #3. She's got a mouth that's too wide, an ego that's too big, and a worldview that's too narrow. HATE.

Sheena looks like Kimora Lee Simmons mixed with the softer features of Margaret Cho, with a voice and attitude like Lil' Kim. She's positive, pretty and looks like a winner to me.

So anywho, the girls settle into their new house in Hollywood. The girls settle in amicably, and several of them ask gentle probing questions of Isis to get to understand her better. Clark and Alaska sit off on the sidelines and say that where they are from (apparently South Carolina and Alaska are comparable? I dunno - ask Sarah Palin.) a person like Isis would "get beat up on the street." Clark says it's not that she's close-minded - she's just traditional. I have to disagree. Having a traditional viewpoint is fine and all. But if you don't make any attempt to learn about things that are outside your experience, then you are closing off your mind to the greater world. Thus - close-minded. Although neither of them are as bad as Sharaun, who maintains that she will NOT lose to a man.

Then the girls get a rare opportunity to have one-on-one interviews with Nigel, Ms. Jay and Paulina. Nigel thinks there is something unique about Isis and that she's smart, but he is not impressed by Sharaun.

At the photo shoot, Tyra gets very serious about voting, which is pretty cool. (She even has the unregistered girls sign up to vote that day.) The girls all pose at a voting booth, representing various issues that Americans may be concerned about this year. Sharaun shows that she's even more stank than we thought as she catcalls Isis during the latter's shoot about privacy rights - "You need to shave that face, Isis." Bitch!

The good news is that Sharaun is sent packing, while Isis gets called second. HA! And under-confident Marjorie takes first place, although I thought she was just OK. I really preferred Elina (her issue was foreign relations) and Joslyn (unemployment) on this one.

Next week - Benny Ninja is back, much to my lament. Also there are lesbian antics, and the girls question if Alaska is a racist.