April 27, 2007

Model Deja Vu

Now before you start chastising me with, "You are two weeks behind on your Top Model recaps, girrrrrrllll!!!!" Simmer down, Dionne. Because last night was a clip show! So in fact, I'm only a week behind, and by the time I post the next one, you'll be caught up. I swear! So step into the Wayback Machine with me, and let's go visit the bitches a few weeks ago.

When we last left them, Sara was sent home because we all forgot she was even on the show in the first place. And Jael was given a free pass for being a celebrity stalker who thought she was in a Busby Berkeley number. Carry on!

Whitney can't believe she was in the bottom two again. Really? What show are YOU watching, girl? Meanwhile, Renee acknowledges again that she's a bitch, but she's trying hard to change. Hey, if Effie did it, so can you. She writes a letter of apology to Jael. Jael once again takes it in stride, not realizing that soon Renee will stab her in the back once again. Have you learned nothing from Being Bobby Brown?

Finally, Brittany gets her wicked weave removed. It lies on a table looking like a neon hamster.

As promised, the girls meet up with Tia Mowry for acting lessons. I'm sure it has nothing to do with promoting her own show on the CW. Anywho, the girls act wearing various hats. It's all rather dull. But I will tell you that a "never before seen" clip last night showed a hilarious bit where the girls each portray someone on the panel and they perform an elimination. Naturally, Jaslene plays Ms. J. But the most hilarious is Natasha, who portrays Tyra. It's hard to describe, except that she's SO funny. When the hell did I fall in love with the Russian mail order bride? How is that possible?

The girls are then given scripts to memorize where they will portray three different types of models. And they act opposite some guy from Napoleon Dynamite, whom I could care less about. So the girls all act (mostly poorly). Ultimately the guy chooses Renee as the challenge winner, who in turn picks Dionne to join her in the prize. And he gives them...tiny t-shirts. Huh?

Fast forward, eventually we discover that the REAL prize is that they each are getting visits from their families! So Renee sees her possibly homeless husband and baby son, and Dionne gets to see her mom, sister, and daughter. And then Dionne says in a way that is so funny I must quote it verbatim: "First my eyes have gone blank. Then finally I see my mom, my sister and my baby. And the first thing that came into my mind is, 'What the f*** is wrong with my baby's hair?'" HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! She goes on to say that her sister has all boys and doesn't know how to do a girl's hair. So Dionne proceeds to spend the afternoon fixing it. This cemented my love for Dionne. Dionne and Natasha in the final 2! Let's go!

On a side note, we learn that Dionne's mother is in a wheelchair, because she was shot by a man she was trying to help get off drugs. Wow - that is the kind of sob story Tyra loves!

But amidst all the familial joy, Natasha is very sad. I think she realized that she was so close to being able to see her own baby girl (she has one, by the way), so she is disraught at not seeing her. Her grief causes her to go all irrational and basically not get the fact that it's a competition, and she lost a challenge, so she loses the prize.

The next morning, Nat looks like hell, because she was up all night crying. Damn, pull it together, girl! Off to the photo shoot.

This week the girls will be portraying famous moments from ANTM history - shocking moments. And who better to help but...the girls who actually caused said moments. Fun! It's like a big reunion. Oh, and they are supposed to be "selling" Payless Shoes, which is really one too many themes for one shoot if you ask me.

First up, Jaslene poses with Bre, who freaked out because her granola bars were stolen. Natasha is still upset but pulls it together to pose with Michelle, whom everyone thought had flesh-eating bacteria. What? I need to see that season.

Whitney poses with Shannon of Cycle 1, who wouldn't pose for a nude shoot. Then Jael plays Rebecca, who fainted dead away at a panel judging. Again - I must see that!

Now it gets good. Brittany poses with the twins - Michelle and Amanda! They still are sweet and pose awesome. OJ has them pose all together like triplets, and damn if Brit doesn't fit in like the lost sister.

Then it's Renee posing like she's getting her teeth worked on. And who is she posing with? That would be JOANIE, the most awesomest contestant ever. I suddenly realized she is my all-time favorite. And she looks incredible, and totally upstages Renee. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! Joanie, call me!

And then the piece de resistance - Dionne will do her shoot with Kim, who was a big-time lesbian in Cycle 5. The scene? When Kim was all kissing on another contestant in the limo. Now at first, Dionne worries me, because she says, "I ain't no fucking lesbo!" Oh dear. But then as the shoot goes on, Dionne totally gets into it. At one point she's laughing and OJ asks why. "Because I'm enjoying this!" That's my girl. She just needed a little push. Kim is getting her toaster in the mail very soon.

At the panel, there are prizes, there are judges. The judging commences!

Whitney is giving pose #2 of her 2 poses. The judges are not impressed.

Brittany rocked it, and is the new triplet.

Jaslene was a little overly fierce, so she needs to dial it back.

Natasha looks good, although I'm not crazy about the styling they did.

Dionne was the best this week. Her shot is hot, and makes me want to be a lesbian, too.

Jael looks lame. Seriously, how hard is it to look like you've fainted? She is going downhill fast.

Renee doesn't look great. She says the judges told her to "ugly it up" a little. Tyra says she's gone too far.

Deliberations, and then Tyra has only 6 photos. But there are 7 girls! What will happen? Oh yeah. First photo goes to Dionne, because she now has mastered being a lesbian, and a hairstylist. Then photos go to Brit, Nat, Jaslene and Renee. Will Jael and Whitney please come forward?

Jael, no one can understand what you're saying half the time. Whitney, you need to work on at least having a 3rd pose. And the photo goes to...Jael. It's about time! Whitney should have gone weeks ago. So much for a plus-sized girl in the finals.

Whitney thinks she'll pursue acting now. Good luck with that. Maybe Tia has a slot on her show.

Next week (or, last week, I guess) - the girls are headed to a foreign land! Here's a hint - water in the toilet bowl goes the other way.

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