Top Model Mélange à trois

All right, I admit this is not a post about the bedroom escapades on America's Next Top Model. But it is a quick recap of the last three weeks on the show! So strap on your 3 inch heels, and let's go back to the Big Apple, shall we?

When we last left the girls, they were standing around wearing underwear made of raw meat. Amis was off the crazy scale and sent packing. Ten girls remained.

The first episode in our series for this recap was all focused on posing. And you know what that means - Benny Ninja was back. He brought along supermodel Vendela, who appears to be around mostly to offer harsh criticism, and not say anything nice. This eventually led to a team pose-off challenge which was judged by club gays and drag queens. Dominique announced that she felt so at home there, which...yeah! Let's give her a point for self-awareness (even if it wasn't for the reason she's thinking). The challenge was won by team Marvita-Whitney-Claire-Stacy Ann-Kat. They all got to go to the "swag tent" which I was not aware is a constant location, but whatever. They got a lot of expensive possibly useless stuff, including pink guitars. Claire was judged best poser of all, so she won a trip to Bora-Bora. Methinks that Tyra has increased the budget on this show!

Also of note in this episode was the great debate between Dominique and Whitney - let's call it Model War I - Whit vs. Dom. Short version - Dom said something bitchy, and Whit called her out on it. Dom somehow makes a giant leap into calling Whit a racist. Which is just so wrong! Although I think that Whit doesn't offer the best counter-arguments throughout ("My best friend is black!"), she is automatically right, because Dom is just nuts. She's starting to enter Jade territory!

After all that practice posing, the girls are taken to a photo shoot where they...do close-up shots. Did a producer sleep on the job? Whatev - at least it's interesting. The girls pose with high-fashion make-up and geometric shapes on their faces, and then just before shooting, colored paint is dripped down their faces. They also hold a purse for some reason. It sounds nuts, but visually it's stunning. Most of them do great, except Marvita who looks like a chimpanzee trapped in a cage.

At panel, the judges are pretty happy with the results, but particularly horrified by the fact that Fatima didn't shave her armpits. Eww! That is so not fierce. Long story short, the first photo goes to Stacy-Ann for some odd reason, and the bottom two are Whitney and Marvita. Whitney is called out for not taking the competition that seriously, which seems odd and is totally the work of the evil Vendela. Marvita is called out for disappearing into the wallpaper. Whitney gets the photo, and Marvita is sent packing with a lot of swag to go live on the streets again, or whatever. She was so promising at first, but I think that horse face was working against her.

In the next episode, we learned that Claire's worried because her breast milk is starting to dry up despite her best attempts to keep lactating. It's really sad, because you can tell that she craves this career so much, but this opportunity came at perhaps the worst time. But she's determined to do this so her sacrifice won't be in vain. I know it seems like her intentions are off, but I still love her.

Particularly because of what happened next. We learn that Dominique for some reason doesn't know how to set her alarm properly, and it's gone off an hour early several times, waking up the other girls. Oh, and she doesn't wake up to turn it off. The girls? Not amused. Claire calls her out on it, and thus starts Model War II - Claire vs. Dom. The big debate here is respect - Claire says that Dom isn't showing it to the other girls, so why should they respect her? Even Anya agrees, so you know that Dom is totally out of line. As the debate gets prolonged, Whitney and Lauren enter the fray, on Claire's side. It's kind of awesome, because Dom is so awful, and can't stop referring to herself in the 3rd person and saying how everyone is jealous of her. Hate! Lauren screams, "You are CRAZY!" Amen, girl.

Unfortunately the 3 girls later act really childish and hang around Dom's bed, trying to keep her awake even though she claims she is sick and politely asks them to leave. I mean, the bitch is crazy, but don't act like fools, girls.

Next the girls got training from Tyra on how to pose by pretending you're in pain. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, but the girls do their best with such instructions as, "Your lips are really chapped! Pose!" What they didn't know is that it was secretly a challenge. Anya won, and got to go have a photo shoot taken by Nigel Barker. He beds her, but not in that way, as she poses nude on a bed. He is so totally gross sometimes. If he wasn't so good-looking and British, I'd hate him.

For the main photo shoot, the girls head to Brooklyn and portray different styles of music, which are clearly chosen to be antithetical to their usual styles - i.e. Lauren is given Britney-style pop, and Fatima is given heavy metal. The results are pretty mixed - Whitney (grunge) and Katarzyna (emo) excelled, while Claire (Grand Ole Opry-style country) and Aimee (R&B) struggled.

At panel, the judges are particularly happy with the short & choppy wig Kat was wearing. So Tyra announces she'll be giving Kat a shorter haircut next week. Awesome. Eventually photos are given out, and Whitney quite rightly gets the first one. The bottom two are Claire (eek!) and Aimee. Claire, you've got to open up to looks beyond intense high-fashion - have fun with it. Aimee, there is so much you could have done with R&B, and yet you were boring as hell. Claire gets the photo, and Aimee is sent home which is not at all surprising. No way in hell she was going to win this thing.

Now for this week's episode - spoilers ahead if you haven't seen it! We open with Model War III - Lauren vs. Fatima. It's a silly argument over the fact that Lauren threw out the dregs of Fatima's coffee. It's so silly I can't even describe it. Fatima is petty, and so I'm on Lauren's side.

In an unusual twist on past seasons, the girls are sent on group go-sees. It's not nearly as intense, as it's pretty easy to navigate New York City, especially when you've got 3 compatriots. And they only have to go to 3 locations. The winners turn out to be team Stacy Ann-Claire-Dominique-Whitney, and they get to do a photo shoot for Seventeen. Stacy-Ann is thrilled to hear that she booked the most jobs, which is a shocker!

This week's photo shoot is crazy and fantastic, as the girls emulate a theater troupe called Fuerza Bruta. It's hard to describe, but I'll try. A huge plastic sheet is suspended above the room, with lights above it. The girls then smash themselves around on the plastic in some water with wild colors. The results are other-worldly. Claire struggles as she jumps on the plastic and thinks she's injured her neck. Lauren has trouble with her contacts and just can't deal with the water. Others like Kat (who did get the short haircut) and Whitney take to the water like fish.

At panel, we see some astonishing photos that range from fiery elf (Anya) and water nymph (Fatima) to surprised spirit (Whitney) and sun-blotting figure (Stacy-Ann). Fatima is judged to be the best, which is fine, although I think that Whitney took the most risks, and Anya was the most beautiful. The bottom two are Claire and Lauren, which I think is crap, as Stacy-Ann and Dom sucked, in my opinion. Whatev - onto the critiques. Claire, the judges think you're becoming one-note. Lauren, you still walk like Frankenstein. Claire is sent home, which is such utter crap, I don't know what is happening with those judges. I guess I'm happy that she got to book it home to be with her baby. But still - Lauren's walk appears to be incurable, so I really thought if one of them had to go home, it should have been her.

Next week - it's the dreaded halfway clip show. The CW is calling it "all new" but you won't be fooled, will you?