On Hands and Knees

When we last left our Top Model girls, Ebony asked to leave. And Tyra made it look like it was all part of the master plan. Cue the evil laugh. This of course meant that Ambreal was spared, and she's anxious to do whatever it takes to stay in the competition.

It's evening, and the girls are all in their enormous bathroom. Lisa is lamenting the fact that she's gained a pound. This is a natural transition to Sarah interviewing that being around such skinny girls all the time is pretty much giving her a complex. Which is both understandable and unfortunate.

Bianca then says, "Man, I am totally the biggest girl here." Sarah gives her a look that could wither a redwood, and says, "REALLY, Bianca? Don't go there." Bianca is all, "No, seriously - how much do you weigh, Sarah?" Ugh. See, I've figured out that calling Bianca a bitch isn't truly accurate. A more apt description would be that she's insensitive, lacking in self-awareness, and has no filter when she talks (see below). But "bitch" is a nice tidy word, so we'll just go with that. Anywho, this of course makes Sarah feel worse about herself - "It's weird; you are around all these skinny girls who are so thin. So maybe I go to bed not feeling as good as I did when I woke up." Double ugh.

Later, in the pool, Bianca is talking with some of the girls, and basically starts saying that she hates how Heather doesn't have to work hard in order to take an awesome picture. IN FRONT OF HEATHER. To which Heather pipes up to say, "Bianca, I DO work hard! How can you say that?" Heather interviews that as an artist she really puts thought into how the final picture will look, and adjusts her poses accordingly. In other words, she is being a great model. And Bianca hates that. Because she is not a great model. Bianca goes on to trash talk some more, but Jenah butts in to call her out on it. Then Bianca is all, "Why do you all act so protective of Heather?" And Jenah retorts, "We're not, you're just being a bitch." I'm paraphrasing.

Tyra Mail leads the girls to a dance studio, where they are forced to put on nude unitards. Because nothing gives a woman body issues more than an ugly unitard. Let me put it this way - not even actual dancers enjoy wearing a nude unitard and nothing else!

Anywho, in marches Tyra to teach the girls about movement for music videos. And for some reason she's totally out of breath for this whole sequence. Knowing Tyra, she'll tell us later that she had just finished a marathon to raise money to cure dry eyes and then had to go to the soup kitchen before she came to the studio! Tyra Banks - in line for sainthood.

So the girls slide up and down the wall, they crawl across the floor, et cetera. And they try not to look slutty. Bianca is mystified, because she thinks that Heather sucks, and yet Heather gets praise from Tyra. Bianca, let me introduce you to this word called JEALOUSY. Meanwhile, Chantal interviews that basically she thinks the world of herself. No really, Chantal thinks Chantal is awesome. It's great that she's all confident, but...tone it down, Texas.

Later they move meet a music video director who explain what they'll be doing today. They will be a part of a "major recording star's video," and will meet the star soon. The girls get suited up (the look is goth leather dominatrix), and soon find out it's Enrique Iglesias. Saleisha is really infatuated. Which is understandable. I mean, he's not my type, but I can't deny that he's pretty.

So anyway, as they prepare to shoot the video, the director announces two girls that will have "featured roles" in the video. But honestly, they all have featured roles. In this context, "featured roles" means "girls that will get to touch Enrique." Anywho, the featurettes are Lisa and Heather. Bianca? Not happy.

They shoot the video, first with Jenah and Heather. Chantal looks across a room. Ambreal slithers up and down a pole. Bianca, Sarah and Saleisha lounge around looking saucy (or in Bianca's case, "thug-like"). And Lisa tries to stop Enrique in the hallway with her long leg in a leather boot.

Later, the girls assemble with all the extras to film a big dance scene. Drama! Heather faints! Paramedics are called! Oxygen is brought out! OK, here's the truth - Heather fainted because they had the girls going for like 12 hours on no food and little water. I would say it has very little to do with the fact that Heather is quite thin. Whatever - it was a lot of drama that amounted to little. We do end the scene, however, with Saleisha showing her sense of humor by putting up a stethoscope to Heather's back and saying, "I just need to make sure there is still a supermodel in there!" Hee. I like her when she's cute.

Panel! Prizes! Judges! Guest judge is video director Jessy Terrero. As there aren't photos, they are just going to be judged in their respective video shoot groups.

Heather really got the vampire look with Enrique that the director wanted. Which isn't surprising, as dark and tortured is her thing. Jenah, however, had a bit of a grin, which is not so good. Although the director still liked her. Jenah seems to take it hard.

Chantal looked too much like she was posing as a model, and not enough as a woman naturally enjoying herself at a club. She is mystified. Because she is awesome [sic]!

Ambreal was too hoochie for Tyra's taste. Ambreal is heart-broken, as she thinks the writing is on the wall.

Lisa showed a good strong leg. The judges like.

Bianca was just too comical, but she exuded confidence, and the judges like that. They feel that Sarah was lacking in confidence. And Saleisha didn't look cutesy, she had a strong fashion look going on. Oh, and Nigel again says that Sarah seems to be losing weight. And she still doesn't think she really is.

Deliberations. Twiggy says, "Maybe Jenah needs a bit of a scare?"

8 individuals (neither women nor girls this week, not even beautiful), 7 photos (of what?). First photo goes to Lisa. Then Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, Ambreal (who's very relieved) and Jenah (a scare, indeed). Will Chantal and Sarah please step forward? (And oh, Sarah is standing so awkwardly I can practically smell her internal anguish.)

Chantal, you have a lot still to learn. Sarah, the judges are worried that you are neither skinny enough, nor plus-sized enough. And the photo goes to...Chantal. Uggggggggggh.

Sarah is REALLY upset, and I think she kind of doesn't want to touch Tyra, but Tyra tries to be all mama and hug it out. In fact, I'd have to say that I don't think I've ever seen someone leave the show that was this hysterical crying. Sarah interviews that she just really wanted this. She's not sure where she fits as a model, and hopes someone her size will make it some day. I weep, because this is just an eating disorder waiting to happen.

Now, when I first watched this, I was P-I-S-S-E-D at the judges. And then upon reflection, I realized that they are really just being honest. They're not approving of the modeling industry being so messed up. Although it would be great if they did SOMETHING to try and change it. Because casting girls that aren't a size 2 and then rejecting them weeks later isn't helping.

So here's hoping that some day soon the modeling industry, and the greater fashion world, will not only cater equally to slender women and women of size, but everything in between as well. Newsflash - Sarah was shaped like A NORMAL WOMAN. If you're listening, Sarah - you're just fine and we love you for being you. Don't change! (And I don't mean that in a pithy yearbook kind of way.)

Next week - Heather loses her shit?