You Can Dance If You Want To

Previously on Top Model, the girls went and saw. Brittany had one of the most embarassing meltdowns in recent memory. And Tyra embarassed herself even further (if that's possible).

Back in the girls' apartment, the topic of discussion is whether you saw Brit's ouster coming. Jaslene rightly says that it wasn't until they were in the panel room that she knew. And that would be because she saw Priscilla and was like, "Oh yeah, bitch is goin' DOWN!"

And then a scene the defies description. Natasha talks on a cell phone to her husband. The talk is all gooey and sexy. And she...nuzzles the phone. In the most obscene sense of the word "nuzzles." Oh, and she does this in front of the other girls. Renee interviews that Natasha is turning into a crazy psychopath. Perhaps overstatement - but there's some truth in there. When did Renee become the rational one?

Next the girls go to a national park, but alas it is cold outside. Very cold. Because here's a geography lesson - since it was nice weather in LA when they left? It's winter in Australia. I'm pretty sure I saw that on Jeopardy! once. Anywho, they meet an Aboriginal chief and his daughter who explain this week's challenge. They will each be painting and adorning themselves and then do a dance to tell their personal "journey stories." Or as Tyra prefers, "the sob story that got you on this show in the first place."

The girls dress, decorate and prepare. At this point Dionne interviews that she does not dance. So she's determined to make her "dance" as short as possible. Um, Dionne - this is not how you regain the love of the gays. We have not forgotten the "lesbo" incident.

Now it's time to perform. The chief tells them that they will be dancing for some girls from the local tribe in hopes of inspiring them. To what - bulimia? And also Carissa from Seventeen magazine will be there to judge the challenge winner. Because also we want to teach the girls that when you lay your heart open to others, you will be judged critically. Man, this show is more life-changing than Oprah!

Renee goes first. She starts by telling us that she was abused as a young child. Which is very sad. And not that I want to doubt her, but it's Renee - a little part of me wondered if she made that up. Isn't that horrible?

Jaslene's story is a bit more difficult to follow - it's full of a few too many Deepak Chopra phrases.

Dionne's story is actually decent, as she relates her mother's shooting, and then has decorated herself to represent each member of her family and all the children.

And then Natasha. Oh, Natasha. I give her credit for actually DANCING, which the other girls totally avoided. But she decides that to get people to really focus on her, she will talk very softly. Like so soft the boom mic guy is having trouble picking her up.

Long story short (too late), Renee wins. She chooses Jaslene to join her in sharing her prize. And back at the apartment, it turns out the prize is some very fabulous south sea pearl jewelry. Nice!

Tired of being cooped up, the girls decide to go out. But suddenly Natasha is deathly ill. The other girls are like, "Aww...that's so sad. See ya!" And out at a club, Renee convinces the other two that they must get Natasha eliminated. So THERE'S where evil Renee went! The problem with this plan is that scheming on a "talent"-based reality show is far more difficult to maneuver than on a team challenge-based show.

Meanwhile, Nat thinks the girls are just jealous, as usual.

For the photo shoot, the girls will each learn a dance from the same Aboriginal girls as before. And then they will have their photos taken with the girls, portraying images from their individual dances. Dionne still does not want to dance! And Natasha is very, very sick. (Heck, I've had to dance with flu-like symptoms - suck it up.)

Renee does a butterfly dance, Jaslene a bird dance, and Dionne a gathering dance. Natasha does the "I'm so sick I just am sucking all over everything" dance. And OJ is not amused. He practically begs her to suck it up, but instead she just sucks it. Suck!

At the panel, there are prizes and judges. The guest judge is Carissa.

Dionne's first, and her shot is OK, but she still managed to appear angry-looking. I'm so sad. And then, ugh - it's the dreaded annual question from the panel. Who do you think has the most potential, and who has the least? Dionne says that Jaslene has the most. I agree, but wrong answer! Have you not seen this show before? For worst, she picks Natasha.

Next up is Renee. She took some artistic license with the dance to good effect. It's actually her best photo yet if you ask me. Wait, that's bad! I don't like Renee! Renee HAS seen the show before, and says that she herself has the most potential. Of course she says Natasha has the least.

Jaslene's shot is strong, but Nigel quite rightly points out that in virtually every shot, she has the same fierce look. As we learned from Zoolander, sometimes you need more than one look. So next time - softer Jas, softer. She quite rightly says that she has the most potential, and tosses another stone at Natasha.

Natasha's shot is heinous. The judges say it is actually worse than her first shot, and that was really bad. Then the discussion about best/worst. What is up with the other girls? Are they jealous? Natasha says that they definitely are.

The judges deliberate, and Twiggy campaigns for Natasha, convinced that in fact the other girls ARE jealous. It certainly has nothing to do with the fact that she's a nut. (A loveable nut, but still.) Ms. J is still all about Jaslene. Tyra is still disappointed in Dionne. And both Nigel and Carissa love Renee, although Carissa is concerned that Renee will come across as too old for Seventeen's readers.

4 girls, 3 photos. Renee gets the first photo, and Jaslene the second. Will Dionne and Natasha step forward?

Dionne, why are you so angry all the time? Natasha, why does everyone hate you? And also - get over the sick thing! Lame excuse! But she gets one more pass as Tyra hands her the photo. Dionne looks pissed, but this time I think she actually IS pissed. Farewell, Dionne. I will miss your hilarious observations!

So that means next week is the two-hour finale! 3 girls! Cover Girl! 2 on the runway! One winner! WHO WILL IT BE?!?!? Post your predictions here, I'm curious to know. (I still say it's Jas vs. Nat in the final two, but it's a toss-up from there.)